Almost Heaven

Violet is my favorite color.
Yellow is a new color that I am trying to find.
My family is on their way home.
Well G and T are on their way.
P and A are at school.

I missed them.
I needed to miss them.
Things are hard right now.
Financial struggles.
When do you grow up enough that finances
aren't a constant issue?

Do president's know what poverty is like?
Do senators know hunger?
Does congress have to choose between a galloon of milk, loaf of bread, maybe a treat for the kids
Or a prescription?

My oldest and I lived in a homeless shelter.
That was ages ago.
Long before G.
Long before A and T.

Once, before a shelter was available,
I stayed overnight at work w/my son.
I cooked in the company kitchen
There was a shower.
There was a refrigerator..sigh a refrigerator.

Paul fell asleep on the floor.
I had made a bed out of some of our clothes.
His tummy was full, he slipped into a hundred dreams
of possibilities and happily ever afters


Then a co-worker came in.
Nausea washed over me.
He knew.
I tried to say something
to explain it away
I'm waiting for a ride.
car broke down--but i didn't have one.

He looked at me and he knew that i was homeless
He looked at my son with such compassion
He looked at me and knew.
I begged with my eyes for him to not acknowledge what he new.
And mercifully he didn't.

He came back to work to pick up a sandwich
he had left it in the refrigerator after lunch.
He finally exited with his sandwich in hand.

The next day, my boss told me to quit.
He said there is assistance if you don't have income
Absurdity of absurdities.
Another co-worker told me to come live with her and her brother's family.
How could I?
so many under one roof already.

I quit and got assistance.
I rented a room in a man's house
he had two boys
it worked for a while
assistance was the bare minimum

but it was better than the street
or the office floor
sort of

there are days when i look at my life
and our situation and realize
that i am perilously close to
sleeping on some floor or street
God, how in the world can it be true
now all of these years later?

When P was little, he would ask,
"mom, remember when we lived in the church?"
yes, Honey, i remember.

I returned to the shelter one night from work-
yes i was working-but there wasn't enough-
I came in from work, turned on the light
there were dozens of roaches on the blanket that covered
my little boy...ROACHES.
They ran when I turned the light on.
It made me sick.
I left the light on all night so they would stay away.
Yes, it made me sick,
but at the time it was almost Heaven.