I've Got Your Back

I am a small and precious child, my dad's been sent to fight.

The only place I'll see his face, is in my dreams at night.

He will be gone too many daysfor my young mind to keep track.

I may be sad, but I am proud. My daddy's got your back.

I am a caring mother. My son has gone to war.

My mind is filled with worries that I have never known before.

Everyday I try to keep my thoughts from turning black.

I may be scared, but I am proud. My son has got your back.

I am a strong and loving wife, with a husband soon to go.

There are times I'm terrified in a way most never know.

I bite my lip, and force a smile as I watch my husband pack.

My heart may break, but I am proud. My husband's got your back.

I am a soldier, serving proudly, standing tall.

I fight for freedom, yours and mine by answering this call.

I do my job while knowing,the thanks it sometimes lacks.

Say a prayer that I'll come home and remember who's got your back.

~Author Unknown

God Bless the U.S.A.

War Correspondents' support system

ABC Correspondent Bob Woodruff is no stranger to Iraq. He was embedded with troops in Iraq in 2003 when NBC Correspondent David Bloom died while embedded with troops. The Woodruffs and Blooms were/are best friends. Here is a journal entry from Bob's wife Lee about David Bloom...sadly, today we discover that Mrs. Bloom may have been called to rush to Lee's side this morning...prayers to his wife and four children. And prayers also to his camera man and family...

"Monday, April 14 The phone call in the middle of the night is almost a cliche. But when it happens to you, it is very real. I got the call because my friend Melanie's phone was turned off, as it often was at night. And so it was me they reached. The gentle instructions I got were to get in the car and start driving to her. They wanted me to be there when she got the worst news of her life.

"I never knew how many little things went into someone's death: choosing the right black patent leather shoes for the little girls to wear; finding out what day someone's paycheck stops; seeing suits and shirts, still in their dry cleaning bags, hanging in a closet. There is the smell of too many flowers in the house; the prescription to "take the edge off" your friend's grief. Then there is the sheer amount of food and drinks required to keep a house full of family fed when everyone is too numb to even think about cooking.

"Let me tell you about David Bloom the way I knew him. He loved breakfast: big plates of pancakes and bacon and sausage, bowls of fruit—but no coffee. Caffeine, for him, would have been redundant. I remember warm summer days with the top down in the Blooms' Jeep, the four of us singing like fools at the top of our lungs on our way to play tennis.

"My children loved him like an uncle.

"So Bob is back, though his homecoming was not the joyous occasion I had envisioned. Instead, he was airlifted out of Iraq to give the eulogy at his friend's funeral. All this makes Bob's return bittersweet. But he is home, and we have learned to live for the moment—to snuggle when we can, let the dishes sit in the sink, worry about the dust bunnies later. That's what David would have done. If he'd made it home.

"For us, the war is over."

—Lee Woodruff is a freelance writer who lives in New York.

I'm sure that Melanie Bloom was there for her friend. I hope the war really is over for them this time. I hear that he is in serious but stable condition. The next 48 hours are critical his doctor said.

The fact that there are so many families who have dealt with this and worse every day breaks my heart. I hope that it is over soon. God bless America.

Yosemite backcountry

Yosemite backcountry, originally uploaded by mlog.

A few posts back, I talked about a quote from a Sierra Club book that I have. Loosely it goes thus:

"...So why do we do it? Walk miles and miles to exhaustion? The answer is: the view at our feet..."

This photographer captures this. His flickr photos are amazing and you should visit him. Each photo is more breath-taking than the last. Look for outstanding mountain peaks-Young mountains that jut into the sky like a sword welding prince celebrating a victory. There is a capture of a wave at sunset and it looks like lace being held before a fire. Amazing. Inspiring...You will want to don your hiking boots-the captures are that wonderful.

I felt that I could walk into his photos and smell the starkly cold air. Amazing-you will love the adventure that he takes you on. He is the Ansel Adams of color photography.

Pandemic prep

My recent post about desperation was in large part due to the fact that G lost his job. It was a bad situation and although it was a good thing, it brought memories of homelessness and times when money was so short that I couldn't put a roof over 18 year old's head. That was long before I met G...well months before actually.

Well, today, G was hired for another job. It is in his chosen field. This is "the prize" that he has been seeking for so long, but he wouldn't take the leap because he was too worried about finances. Now, it seems that even when you resist God's will, he will make it happen. You might get frightened, but you have to believe. Sometimes it is harder than other times.

But here G goes. He wanted this when he was young, but took a detour into broadcasting-lucky for me that he did-we wouldn't have met at the radio station had he not taken the detour.

I watched Anderson Cooper 360 tonight-yes, again. I have to stop watching it. I have been watching things that frighten me. It is spilling over into my dreams and today, I was home alone into the night. I wouldn't go downstairs because I was frightened. Some of my wounds seem very raw. At times like this, I wonder if I will ever know what it is like to relax and feel safe.

So AC 360 was about the possible bird flu pandemic. They also talked about the swine flu of the '70s and how it was supposed that it would be a pandemic. It wasn't. So what do I do? Prepare or ignore? I chatted with G about it and it came down to this: if-and granted it is an IF-the bird flu does become an infectious disease for humans, too, who would be the most vulnerable? My answer is Number One Daughter and Little Big Boy. I said and THAT is why we should be prepared. Maybe we would never need anything that we store, but in the event that we needed to protect them for a while-months even, it would be better to be prepared for it.

G agreed with me. I don't think that it is giving into fear, no that isn't it. It is that they mean the world to me and if I can spare them by being prepared: so be it. I think it is more like Joseph and the Technicolor Dreamcoat than fear. He knew to prepare for the seven years of drought and famine. Maybe this is one of those times when I should listen to HIM without fail.

This is how I get when I watch too much news. I was a news junkie for many years. A reporter. A freelance writer. My life was surrounded by deadlines and urgent situations. The older that I get-the less I can stick to this life. It doesn't keep me interested anymore and it doesn't make me proud anymore. It just frightens me. It scares me half to death. Then again, the White House has a plan for influenza pandemic preparedness, so people are trying to be ready for it-whether or not it happens.

I also reason that because G is in the healthcare field, he will have to work if there is a pandemic. I imagine that all healthcare professionals would be called to work and not allowed to come home. I have to be prepared because I might be the only one who can care for Number One Daughter and Little Big Boy. So we'll be as prepared as we can be. I know if it is "our time" that it is our time, but at least I can do little things to ease my mind-like being prepared to take care of us for a length of time. Does this make me crazy? It feels crazy.

Steelers AFC trip

'nough said:)

Riding the River Thames

I am so sad that he died. I wondered why they loaded him aboard the ship. I thought that it might have been easier to shuttle him out between the two rubber raft boats that they corralled him in. Such a sad turn of events. An afternoon of sorrow with West Virginia mines taking center stage again. Prayers for healing to the families-again, she said wistfully.
No one really knows why he went up the river Thames, but here he is. I love whales. When people try heroic measures to save a creature, God must smile.

I watched whales migrate off of San Francisco at Point Reyes Station, California. They were humpback whales. Two fully grown whales and a calf was between them. It is a sight that I will never forget.

It puts things into perspective, doesn't it? All the weighty matters in the world and everyone eyes turn to a stranded North Atlantic Bottle-Nose whale in London. It gives me hope for "man."

Desperation

I am in the midst of a bubbling panic attack. We are in trouble. The walls are closing in. No one else is home. I have been holding in my panic and now I am alone and it is okay to feel. I'm frightened. I'm having a heart attack. My chest is going to explode.

I have never been able to take care of myself. Is that because no one really ever took care of me? Or is it because I keep trying to get someone to take care of me because no one ever did? I lived in a homeless shelter when 18 year old was five or six. I was actually homeless for a long, long time. I stayed in the office once. A co-worker caught me there. It was humiliating and I made sure that I never got caught again.

Eighteen year old never went without food or clothes. I made sure of that. Right now, I am having a panic attack because I am scared that I am going to end up like that again. But what I am kicking myself about is this: Do I keep perpetuating it? Do I bring it about because I want to scream for someone to take care of me? Is it because that man trolled the halls late at night when my parents were asleep?

I can't breathe. I'm choking on fear. Sometimes I feel so little.

Heinz 57 post

I think if I were on the Knicks and saw someone grab my wife's hand, that I would fly into the stands, too. Remarkably, Davis didn't touch anyone; he only asked what was going on. Five games suspension is ridiculous! He should be applauded. There are so many THUGS in professional sports that this guy kept his fists in check and should get a medal for it.

Little 11 year old Haleigh in Baltimore...I hope God takes her home. She has suffered more in this life than anyone should. I cannot believe all of the politics involved in this. The little girl's aunt, who adopted her and her adoptive father should be sentenced to death by baseball bat. Criminals have all of the rights.

Why do we pay football, baseball and basketball players so much money? Could they ever use it in their lifetime? Do they use it for any good? How many thugs are on professional sports teams? It would be interesting to see how many are in trouble/have been in trouble with the law. G wonders if we think the percentage is higher because it is reported. Seems to be the rule rather than the exception.

We are holding our heads above water. We actually are so blessed. On AC 360 tonight, they showed the neighborhoods that look like Katrina is not a four or five month ago event. Shame on the insurance companies and shame on the members of our government who aren't blasting the insurance companies. The crime in our governments is as rampant as it is in professional sports.

We have girl scout cookies to sell. Number One Daughter's Brownie troop is selling them. Our little girl is so shy! She wants to sell them, but can't bring herself to ask anyone. Poor girl. She's her daddy's daughter! I never met a stranger. Sometimes that is a good thing and other times, well, you know.

Good night Wilson Pickett.

What's goin' on?

Almost everyone is in a "funk" of sorts. Many of my blogger friends are experiencing crisis in one form or another. It's like what happens during a full moon...too much upheaval. Mercy, mercy me...Marvin Gaye. I love that song...

We are in the midst of shaky times, too. G's job is gone. It is a time of tension and nerves. Outwardly I am calm-for him...but inwardly, I am a mess of knots and butterflies.

I am being careful because the kids do not need to be upset with it. All they know is that G is home and they are so happy. It is a wonderful side effect of the upheaval.

Prayers for everyone in their time of need and gratitude for the laughter that others share.

Four Things tag

Here is Stacy's Mom by Fountains of Wayne. It is one of my dependable pick up my mood songs...and it is a catchy beat, too. :)

Four Jobs I've Had
1. Radio personality
2. Forestry Supervisor
3. Newspaper Editor
4. Executive Secretary
Four Places I've Lived
1. Iwakuni, Japan
2. Milington, Tennesse
3. Beaufort, South Carolina
4. Napa Valley, California
Movies I'd Watch Again
1. Breakfast at Tiffany's
2. original Miracle on 34th Street with Edmun Gwen and Natalie Wood
3. Lord of the Rings trilogy
4. You've Got Mail
TV Shows I love to watch
1. Project Runway-ugh! I am so hooked. I want Daniel V to win:)
2. Dancing with the Stars-If Jerry Rice or Giselle win, I will be happy;)
3. The Gilmore Girls
4. Anderson Cooper 360-even though I shouldn't watch news at all.
Four of my favourite foods
1. Watermelon
2. Japanese & Chinese fare
3. Tamales
4. Steak
Four places I'd rather be right now
1. In high school
2. Ventura, California
3. In my little sister's living room
4. On my dad's lap
Four Bloggers I'd like to Tag
1. Chocolate Makes it Better
2 Dave's Road Trip
3. Hamel's House of Blog
4. Gayla

Mulling over

I have been thinking about life lately. Pondering goals and options, like the ocean rolling and mulling over its sandy bottom. Depend-able, the ocean. Waves roll over thoughts that escape you and me.

Perhaps it is because the Golden Globe awards were on this evening. Actors and actresses have to reinvent themselves over and over to remain or re-emerge on the A-list. Madonna is the epitome of it. It must be wonderful to have the resources to reinvent yourself from scratch every other year.

It seems that I have spent my lifetime trying to make sense of it. Of this. Of me and my life. I think that I have been able to know myself best when I was working in the Redwoods. On mountain tops where you realize that you are not significant in the scheme of things. Not because I am worthless, but because the things that have happened to me in my lifetime mean nothing in the scheme of Heaven and Earth.

The bumps in my life would not even equal one ring in the life of a Redwood, so why should I take it all so seriously? One hundred years from now, my ancestors will not know my battles or struggles, but they will walk in a park or on a mountain top where I stood. A place where my heart and mind soared to the Heavens. If I can leave anything, it is this: the same feeling for them. For my children and their children's children. I wish them the same sense of belonging and awe that I experienced as I stood atop the most beautiful mountains in the west.

When you stand on top of a mountain you are greeted by the comfort of the view that lies beneath. I wish I could recall the author of this tidbit and it goes something like this-loosely quoted:

"...So why do we do it? Why do we walk and hunger and tire and keep walking until we reach the summits in this great, great land? The reward is the view at our feet..."

Fox' faux pas

I was so angry with Fox Sports' Pre-Game show today that I wrote them a letter:

"Near the end of the pregame show on Sunday, January 15th, the blood drained from my face as James Brown announced that they were going to the White House for a breaking news report. In a year when we have troops on foreign soil and during a weekend when our country is being taken to task for an airstrike, you should not be joking around about breaking news from Washington D.C. In fact, the events of September 11, 2001 call for a greater sense of what is and isn't acceptable behavior regarding news events.

Regardless of the fact that it was "Mad T.V." We have relatives on the ground in the hotspots of the world and your indiscretion is reprehensible. It was wholly inappropriate. Further more, the tone and excessive banter of the Fox Sports team coupled with a shameful breaking news joke makes me question whether or not it is worth watching Fox Sports' pre, half-time and postgame coverage. Shame on you."

It was disgraceful in view. My stomach began to form knots as soon as James Brown made his statement.

In other sports this weekend, I am unhappy that Michelle Kwan was handed a spot on the U.S. Olympic figure skating team. In spite of the fact that she is beloved, she is injured and unable to participate. The spot should have been given to the bronze medal winner at Nationals. It is just a sad tribute to the politics that so over-rule athletic talent, competence and physical ability. Michelle is graceful and she has been trying for years to win the gold, but this year, the baton should have been passed.

The Steelers' victory over the Colts was much more sound than the score reflects. Me thinks Payton Manning will need an intertube to sit on this week. I really wanted Tony Dungy's team to go all the way to the Super Bowl. He has shown such grace under incredible personal loss. However, Bill Cower is a wonderful father and I can't deny that I like him as a man, too. Go Panthers! Go Seahawks. I think I would like to see a Seahawk vs. Steelers Super Bowl. And You?

Pellet gun in the actor's studio

I suppose there will be an outcry about the shooting of a 15 year old Florida boy because he was armed with an all but innocuous pellet gun. However, he had painted the only thing on the gun that distinguished it from a 9mm handgun. The small, red, plastic tip had been painted solid black. The pellet gun looked like the weapon that it was intended to mimic.

This was not a murder by a swat team as so many headlines have cried. This was, simply put: suicide by police officer. It is becoming a widely know phenomenon. S.E. Hinton used suicide by police officer to kill off one of the characters in her highly acclaimed novel: The Outsiders. At the end of the novel, Dallas pretended to turn a gun on a police officer and he was shot to death.

It has been widely reported that Christopher Penley, wanted to die, according to statements that he allegedly made before he was shot. Although he was only 15, he turned a gun on a deputy and that left one option for the member of the SWAT team that pulled the trigger. A sharp shooter is employed to "take out" threats. Sadly Christopher Penley was a threat to himself, his hostage and later to the deputies.

I am wondering how long it will take before a lawsuit is filed. The family has already employed an attorney. I am hopeful that they hired an attorney in case their son survived the shooting and not to file a lawsuit. My heart goes out to his family-do not misunderstand me. I cannot imagine losing a child much less losing a child in this way, but lawsuits are won in cases like these because the so-called defense team is a better set of actors. Isn't it strange that our legal system is not based on fact, but on Oscar caliber performances in court rooms across this nation.

As long as you, "do not recall" something or you have a ringer-like a murder victim's father on a police force, as in the case of Brandon Hein-serving a life sentence for a murder that he did not commit, you will prevail. Learn about Brandon Hein's case. Last night Brandon Hein's case was the subject on Dateline. A travesty occurred here.

Christopher Penley was brain dead tonight. His family has donated their son's organs, which is an honorable way to celebrate their son's life. It is a heartwarming twist to this very sad tale.

Last night, Anderson Cooper was ready to hang the SWAT team member-until he saw a real 9mm and the boy's pellet gun side by side. Indeed they looked exactly alike. After which, Cooper's tone changed and he stated that it was amazing how similar the weapons looked.

Further sensationalism in the press occurred last night when the hope that the #2 terrorist in the desert had been assassinated in a remote area of Pakistan. Sadly, the "mark" wasn't present, which seems to be a common theme when we hear that some agency has gone "gunning" for a person at the top of the deck of terrorism.

Sadly, the press didn't learn a lesson after the Sago mine disaster. They have continued with their breaking news and heaped piles of sarcasm and sensationalism atop headlines meant to incite riots. Breaking news by its very nature is misinformation, which by definition is not news. However, if you label something, "Breaking News," you can apparently get away with calling anything murder.

Three year old safety

Little Big Boy is three. Obviously we talk to him about safety. Walk indoors. Hold hands when crossing the street, etc. Every parent knows the importance of safety training.

Little Big Boy is enrolled in private preschool. If you are too smart, most preschools do not have room for students. The private school is operated by our church. Number One Daughter attended the same school when she was four. The director of the program is awesome. I adore her. I would recommend this preschool to any parent.

The program teaches school skills, social interaction and the best part, he gets to learn about Jesus, too. That is so important to us. There is such a lack of Jesus in the world. I am so grateful that we have an excellent school where our beliefs are reinforced. If you could choose a school for your child, this is it.

The kids form a line at the end of the school day-two hours for three year olds-and exit in a formal line. Some how Little Big Boy ended up in the parking lot ALONE and CRYING because neither his daddy, nor his mommy were there to pick him up. One of the mothers was about to take him back inside when G arrived to collect Little Big Boy.

When I heard this, my heart jumped into my throat. I am stunned. I entrust my three year old to others and there he was alone and I was many miles away. I know that it wasn't deliberate. I know that no one would knowingly let my little boy stand alone in a parking lot unsupervised. My head knows this, but my heart is broken. He is fine and safe, but that little bit of uncertainty shook me up and angered G.

I left a message for the director who had already left for the day. I know that an apology is the very least that I will get. I know this, but my boy was alone and there is a lump in my throat tonight that I cannot swallow.

I am so grateful to the mother who was getting Little Big Boy and taking him back to the building. My little sister asked me if I had ever been that mother: the one led by God to a lost child...oh yes, many times-in stores or just outside or inside doors of stores. Thank God that there are good people who look out for the wellfare of little children. It is the horror of what might have been that is keeping me up tonight.

Tag! I'm it...

Remove the blog in the top spot from the following list and bump everyone up one place. Then add your blog to the bottom slot.

Cynical Dad
Cape Buffalo
Mr. Big Dubya
Chocolate Makes it Better
The Playground in My Mind

Select five people to play (but only if they want to).

The Rose
Lovin' The Ride
Ramblings and Musings
Warriors Forever
WifeBear



What were you doing 10 years ago?

We were making the final preparations for our wedding. One of Greg's aunts passed away about one month before our wedding-We discussed postponing our wedding, but in the end knew that and Susan would have wanted us to go on, so we did. It was the best wedding and everything went on without a hitch-actually a lot of things happened, but we don't remember any of them-except that two carloads of guests were in traffic accidents in front of our church before the ceremony. Everyone was fine so we were lucky.

What were you doing one year ago?

Recovering from major surgery. I feel so much better because of the surgery, though. Our bodies are amazing machines.

Five snacks you enjoy:

1. Clementines
2. WATERMELON
3. Calamari-it is a rare treat; it's been five years at least!
4. Potato chips-prior to the life style change, anyway.
5. Natural pistachios

Five songs to which you know all the lyrics:

(No Place Like) Home for the Holidays – Perry Como
Good Things (Live Version Joe Dirt Car LP)-The Bodeans
Midnight Confessions – The Grassroots
A Linda Song-Barry Manilow
One Headlight – The Wallflowers

I like many artists from many eras: Sinatra to ZZ Top;)

Five things you would do if you were a millionaire:

1. Become a philanthropist
2. Build dream homes for our families
3. Payoff all the bills for us and our families
4. Buy an island
5. Live on the interest and NEVER touch the principle.

Five bad habits:

1. Binge eating.
2. Negative self-talk.
3. Not believing in myself
4. I do not CAYG-clean as you go
5. Don't trim pet's nails often enough.

Five things I like doing

1. Being with my family
2. Writing
3. Playing Yahtzee with the kids
4. Crafts-floral arranging, stamping, ikebana, sumi-e
5. Long drives in the country

Five things you would never wear or buy again.

1. Whole squid to make "homemade" calamari
2. kitchen appliances at garage sales
3. off-brand cleaning supplies
4. a home without a full basement
5. a Greyhound bus ticket

My favorite toys

1. Breadmaker
2. CD player
3. Computer
4. Treadmill-New present from G-have wanted one for over one year:)
5. simple board games with kids:)


I did one of these things a while back. In retrospect, I was pretty down on my life then. There is a big difference in what I wrote then and now. Life is interesting. Well, if I tagged you, please play along-Chocolate Makes it Better tagged me, so I must extend a gracias to him. If I didn't tag you and you would like to be tagged and play along: TAG! Your it!!!

Stopping the insanity

G and I have been talking a lot lately about family traditions that have gone awry. We remember when "dining out" was a way to celebrate a special event. Now it is the norm when we get together with his family. If my family lived near, we would probably go out to eat with them, too.

For some reason, eating out became a habit and as many know the documentary "Super Size Me" showed in alarming detail what happens when you dine out every night for one month.

I do not know when dining out became the focus of our family activities, but it has taken over our lives. Both Number One Daughter and Little Big Boy want to dine whenever they see their grandparents. Unfortunately and without realizing it, we have nurtured this desire all of their lives.

The buck stops here.

I stumbled upon the Discovery Channel's National Body Challenge. It starts in earnest on January 14th. I have already created a meal plan for the first week! I must take time out now for a short vent:

Discovery Channel's National Body Challenge web pages are NOT USER FRIENDLY! I started a team: Carpe Diem-Now I am unable to invite anyone to join the team, but worse yet: I AM NOT EVEN A MEMBER OF MY OWN TEAM. Further, when I was trying to make my meal plan, it was deleted twice before I figured out how to save it. You can't scroll with your mouse on the menus either. It doesn't sound like a lot of issues until I add this: It took me two hours to register and make a one-week meal plan. Granted, next time I visit, I will fly through it, but you will need to plan time to learn the quirks of the system. Vent-off.

The great thing about the site is that you will find recipes and a funny little shopping list. The shopping list is not based on the amount that you actually need during the week. It simply puts: "bags of spinach" on the shopping list.

My meal plan is about 1500 calories per day. That is ideal for me. G gets an extra 500-800 calories per day and it is easy to add them. We are going to do this together, but more importantly, we are going to break the cycle with our family. We deliberately didn't eat holiday meals at our families' homes. I prepared meals here. It was good for us. We have been weaning off of dining out, too.

The fact of the matter is that I got lazy. I lost my life in the past six years. Two pregnancies and a major surgery plus three falls. But I'm taking my life back this year and I am so lucky to have G want to come with me.

This May, we will celebrate our tenth anniversary. He has one and a half years left to go on his second college degree and a job waiting for him upon graduation. We are definitely blessed. We are going on a second honeymoon for our 15th anniversary. We are going to slide down the Seven Sacred Pools in Hawaii.

Before we depart, we are going to: lose weight and get in shape; take ballroom dancing lessons; learn to dance without counting the beat, which means we have to take lessons within the next two years so by the time we land in Hawaii, it will be second nature to twirl around a dance floor. We are going to change family gatherings from meals to activities-like a trip to the zoo.

It is an ambitious plan and for the first time in many, many years, I am excited about losing weight and getting in shape. There was a time when I ran two miles in 14:20. That's damn good and I worked hard to get there. I could do ten tricep push-ups. I could hike up a mountain, work all day and hike back down the mountain again-ten days in a row.

I'm ready to work back to it. It is time. G, Number One Daughter and Little Big Boy are all a part of the plan. We will make this life-style change for the rest of our lives. If you would like to make a healthy life-style a reality in 2006 and need a jumpstart, come with us! Visit Discovery Channel Body Challenge 2006.

You have about one week to prepare yourself mentally for it. We're going to make this change for the rest of our lives-no surgery-no pills-no gimmicks. Just a quick two-month start that will help us prepare for the rest of our lives. We also have Dr. Phil's Weight Smart book to guide us through. So, here we go; let us know if you are going to come along! No matter what you try to change this year, I wish you success.

Hello, my name is Renee

and I'm a Christmas-aholic!
My tree is still up. My wrapping paper is still at the ready. I tell myself it is because we have not celebrated with 18 year old yet. However, I know in my heart that it is because I cannot bear to see the season end.

When I enter the kitchen, I stroll to the cd player and turn it on. I'm greeted with my favorite Christmas carols. The ones that I am listening to now are sprinkled with my faves from my youth.

My other favorite disc has Madonna's version of Santa Baby-which is the most decadent version of all. And it also has Santa Claus is comin' to Town by the Boss-no one can sing that song better.

My kids still enjoy listening to the music with me-though we have taken to pushing the forward button when Elvis' Blue Christmas comes on. We do not know a "Blue Christmas" together because we are blessed. I hope that my children will always be blessed with peace and joy at Christmas.

I have known sorrow and want at Christmas, but I do not keep that alive in my heart. It is the joy and comfort of the holiday that is burned into my memory. The Jolly Ol' Elf will always come to my home and I am a better person for it. In keeping Christmas alive-even in January, I am calmer.

So excuse my lights and tree if you must, but I would prefer to sit with you in our family room and share a cup of hot cocoa with you while we continue to keep the spirit alive-if only for another day.

More than one miracle

Anderson Cooper showed JR's letter with his scrawled message that he didn't suffer. A shame and a courageous note to write. "I just went to sleep." My heart breaks again for the 100th time since the real truth was revealed in the wee hours of a very long morning.

I imagine that we will never know how deep the pain is for the families of the lost miners at the Sago mine. My heart is full of prayer and hopes that they find peace.

On the other hand, there is a survivor. I think to call this "one miracle" even though it was hoped that there would be 12 miracles is not putting the proper light on the matter.

God performs miracles. The survival of all of the miners would have been a miracle as is the survival on one miner. Imagine if it had happened the other way around:

The word spread on everyone's lips was that all 12 miners had been located and none of them had survived. The extreme sorrow would have been hard to witness. But imagine if after all was thought lost that word came that one of the miners was breathing. He was in critical condition, but they were rushing to get him out of the mine. He was groaning. His body temperature was many degrees below normal.

When his body was lifted from the mine there would have been a burst of cheers that could be heard far and wide. The ambulance would have passed a standing ovation just like it did on that fateful night, but everyone would know that this precious cargo was a miracle...not "just one miracle."

Randall McCloy, Jr. is part of the miracle. It is very unfortunate that more lives could not be saved. Yet it IS a miracle that they all survived the blast....It IS a miracle that the men had the presence of mind and the compassion to leave notes behind that assured families that their men had not suffered only fallen asleep peacefully. It is a miracle that rescue teams were able to reach the men without being harmed themselves.

I am very sad that McCloy's family has to endure these days of waiting and hoping and praying. It is endearing that the world is full of people who are praying for his recovery-that, too is a part of the miracle.

The Sago mine tragedy is exactly that, but there is a miracle at work and we need to be thankful for it. I know that many people do realize and voice their gratitude for this miracle, but it is time to turn all of the attention to the survivor and his family. Heaven help them if he does not recover-that would be yet another cruel twist to the tragedy, indeed.

I am tired of the press trying to goad family and friends of the befallen to lash out at the owners of the mine. MSNBC is the only news outlet that I have seen take part of the blame. I must applaud their integrity. Some of the anchors who are at the Sago mine still try to get rash statements and continue to air statements that were made in the heat of the moment. Greater attention is being paid to the families possible lawsuit than the fight for life taking place in a trauma center miles from the mine itself.

My heart is broken for the loss of 12 miners. My prayers go out to the families involved. I hope that the media stops the sensationalization of the tragedy. Here's what I would like to see: anchors get down on their knees and pray for the miracle to include recovery for McCloy, Jr.

Thank you Jesus for prayers answered. If it is God's will, may this tragedy include the survival of Randall McCloy, Jr.....for his family's sake. Also, Jesus, can you please help mine owners realize that they owe it to their workers to staff rescue teams on-site. Training is costly, I know, but the precious moments that were lost in mobilizing rescue teams from distances may have made the difference in the final outcome of the tragedy. In Jesus' name, I pray. Amen.

"Ear witness"

There are days when I regret my journalism major. It is not always the most honorable profession.

At 11 p.m. last night, I did something that I have not done in months: I watched CNN. I watched news. I have not watched it on the advice of doctors that news programs and televangelists increase depression because of their "dooms day" tones.

Yet, last night as I flipped through the television channels, I saw that the 12 miners had survived. As we know, this was a misrepresentation of fact. The media must carry a huge dose of blame for the "miscommunication" in Sago overnight.

In September 2001, all of the news outlets took calls and reported events of twin towers' demise from so called "ear witnesses." These people didn't actually "see" events, but they heard screams, rumbles and their information was reported by news outlets as fact.

This is exactly what transpired overnight. As much as I admire Anderson Cooper for boldly thanking God for the blessings of the lives of the 12 miners, he and his producers pulled "ear witnesses" before their cameras and reported their stories as if they were confirmed fact.

I recall Anderson Cooper saying several times that they were trying to independently confirm the reports. I remember so many faces spreading the news of the miracle of the survival of the 12 missing miners.

Around 4:30 a.m. Central, an MSNBC correspondent said that he was ashamed for the role that he played in reporting the survival of the miners when in fact there was a sole survivor. I admired his candor and he was obviously shaken by the events and his role in reporting erroneous information. He displayed integrity. I have not seen any integrity from the media since then.

I have not watched reporting of the events since 5:30 this morning, so I do not know whether any other reporter has voiced their apology. However, the reporting that I saw from the morning news teams, including Soledad O'Brien, whom I have always admired, ignored the media's role in the dissemination of erroneous information.

In the rush to "scoop" other news outlets, reporters have lost their ability to research and confirm a story BEFORE it airs. In the rush of "eye witness news," credibility has been lost.

This brings to mind an incident that transpired when President Reagan was shot. I was watching Peter Jennings and he reported that James Brady had died at the hospital. Minutes later, he had to retract the report; as we know, Brady didn't die. Jennings-with an extremely stern look on his face ordered the staff, get this story right before you give it to me. He said it live and directly to his staff and then he apologized for the incorrect report. It was a stunning moment in a stunning series of events.

When did the grapevine become the best source of information? We know that it is the most unreliable source that exists, yet here we are-dare I say, again.

No one person or bit of information should be singled out for the errors that transpired overnight. However, if the media must learn that "ear witnesses" are not confirmed sources of information. Perhaps we share in the blame for being so "hungry" for information that we do not want to wait for it.

It is a part of the industrialization of America. Remember when waiting two hours for a roast to cook seemed like a lifetime? Now 30 seconds on high in the micro wave seems like an eternity. Perhaps the whole point of the matter is that we need to "slow down" on many, many levels.

I regret tuning in to the reporting last night. It's not that I don't care, but that I was so sucked into the events again and that I took the reporting as gospel, too. No one wanted the events to transpire as they did. No one person is to blame, but in my "hunger" for knowledge, I have to accept some of the blame for what happened last night, too. I wanted to know NOW-and sadly I was told in the moment a truth that was wanted so much that it ended up hurting the families of the miners.

My prayers are with the families of the victims and of surviving miner Randall McCloy, Jr. along with the disbelief and continued prayers of a stunned nation.

Sago mine

My prayers go out to the families for their loss at the mine. I watched the whole thing unravel on CNN...from the announcement that there were 12 survivors through the press conferences.

The president of the company was so hurt and sincere. I hope that the families realize that he did not want to deceive them. He cried and said, "Well come to the worst day of my life."

The media tried to get him to place blame and then he stood very tall and said, "I'm not going to point fingers. Those men risked their lives to save the miners. I'm not interested in going down that road."

He explained how a cell phone call had been intercepted and how the information got out wrong. It was and is so very unfortunate.

Oh my dear God have mercy on everyone.

Truth

Have you ever looked into the mirror of yourself and seen truth? Today I looked into the mirror and saw it. I told G that we need a full length mirror so that I won't forget what truth looks like.

The Japanese kangi character for truth looks complicated, but is actually very simple. A few brushstrokes this way and that. If you try to make it with "perfection" in mind, then it may be very aggravating to try.

No one is perfect. Today, I looked into a mirror and believed that. I have long been a perfectionist in many things; today I realized that much of my perfectionism is wasted energy. Just that simple realization was energizing.

I wonder what tomorrow will bring?

For old long ago...

I had to "google" Auld Lang Syne before I could understand the song that it such a tradition at 12 midnite on the first of the year. I like many knew the all important "for auld lang syne" line, but never knew it's origin. I found this wonderful site: The History of Auld Lang Syne and you will be able to read the history of the song and the literal translation.

We do not have a New Year's tradition. I do not remember my parents' ever celebrating and G and I have not celebrated the New Year in many a year. We talk about starting a tradition each year and we actually made plans this year, but I was sick. (I smile when I write that. Everyone else has been sick and I thought I was going to get away without being ill, but...It's just a head cold, though.)

We purchased a decent bottle of champagne and sparkling juice for the kids; our celebration was ready to go, but I was ready for bed long before 8 p.m., when I finally gave in. Number One Daughter read books to me, which is always such a joy. Her language skills are superior for her age and that warms my heart. Reading is an important activity in our home.

Little Big Boy's three-year-old efforts at reading are also wonderful. He looks at the pictures and takes us to places that amaze. His imagination is a great gift, not only for him, but for us.

18 year old rang in the new year with a buddy who was home on leave. Steve is a Marine now. He is heading to Iraq soon. 18 year old is sad and I understand. He has decided not to enlist for now. He was going to, but is now teetering back and forth between enlisting and going to college. I hope his goes for his education. He is very intelligent and a math wizard; he could do anything from engineering to medical school. I think that he would rather teach history and that would be just fine with me.

I do not attempt resolutions anymore, but I have been working on life changes that will make all of our lives better. This is the year that I get my life back. That is my theme. I am going to do everything that my doctor says-short of surgery-to get my back pain under control. I do not believe that surgery is a good option. It is only 50% effect. Those odds are not worth the attempt in my book. I keep holding out for them to figure out a way to replace disc fluid. I know it has been in the works forever, but what a wonderful coup that would be.

This summer, I'm going to play with the kids again instead of having to watch them from the sidelines. That is my goal and I have been working toward it for four months already. I am beginning to feel a difference, so the new year is going to bring many rewards. "I'll take that cup of kindness yet..."-to go, please!