When I was in kindergarten, we had a presentation of some kind. Our chairs were in rows facing the "audience." Then one of the more rowdy boys in my class pulled a chair out from under me just before I was going to sit down. I fell on my bum very hard and continued to fall back until I hit my head on the chair behind me.
At the tender age of five-years-old, I was very good at shutting out pain and harm. I was a pillar of strength. You-YOU can't make me cry. Yes, by then, I was adept at throwing up walls that I am still struggling to demolish.
It hurt. My bum hurt. My head hurt, but I think more than anything, I was stunned that you had to be on guard at all times and not just when a certain extended family member was around. "Danger, Will Robinson," existed every where. Not just at home when the grandparents were visiting. Not just when we visited "him" or rather "it" in Anaheim.
Ironically, Disneyland was only a few blocks away from my grandparents house. What a crock. A real travesty. He lived so close to a place of dreams and childhood fantasy and fun. He was a real Disney villain, only there weren't any mountains for him to fall from...Or fires for him to fall into...At least not in this life.
One week ago Sunday, a chair that I was going to sit in was suddenly gone and I crashed to the ground. I fell forever and once I landed on my backside, continued to fall backwards until my upper back, shoulders and head finally hit the floor.
Faster than a speeding bullet, G was at my side. He was there before I finished falling backwards. He must have leapt from where he was reclining. I mean he made it in one movement. The look of worry and concern was a welcome relief. "Are you okay?" he asked. "No," I replied, "no, I'm not." I start physical therapy on Friday.
Isn't it funny how history repeats itself? Only this time, I didn't have any walls up and there wasn't a Darth Vader. The chair just crumbled. A quick look at the chair revealed that the bolts or screws weren't secure and they just slipped. I fell to the ground and for some reason I was drawn back to kindergarten and I cried. It hurt in the past and it hurt in the present. I am on meds that do not relieve the pain.
However, I let my inner child heal and now I know that is one more flashback that is done. One step closer to leaving the past behind am I.
7 comments:
Wow, that's some spill. Sorry to hear about it. Hope all goes well and the pain goes away soon, both physical and emotional.
Wow. Ouch. On two counts.
Isn't it strange how we have to heal? When we left Oklahoma when I was a child, I never got to say goodbye.
I went back a year and a half ago to see my childhood home for the first time in 25 years. It was still there. Yet, in my mind, it had disappeared. It was a healing realization to SEE it was still there.
I hope you feel better. (hug)
You know Renee, the best thing I learned in therapy was, well, the second best -- but here it is. He told me you have to go back and "re-see" everything.
Because back then, you "saw" it through a child's eye, trying to survive. When you go back, as an adult, safe, strong and secure, you see it through your adult/child eyes.
That mean boy, and that mean man can not hurt you anymore.
Sighs -- I wish I lived closer ... I want to hug that little girl ...
(((((((((Quierda))))))))))
I am so very sorry that you got hurt! How awful! I wish I could send you some warm soup, and a soft blanket to make you feel better. But, you have let go of that inner child hurt, and that indeed is a huge step! Good for you! Get well soon, my dear friend. I love ya!
Sarah
Sometimes you have to fall flat on your arse before you can pick yourself up.
Sounds like your doing fine. Your hubby sounds like a super star. I probably would have said "Honey....did you hear something......honey......honey?"
I'm sorry you got hurt and i hope your feeling better today.
There are many people who cannot leave the past behind..I also believe things are meant for a reason..< even if it hurts a little>
Hugs 2 U.
Full circle. It happens alot in life. What's great is that the outcome can be different. And it sure was this time.
:) Deb
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