Whistle while you...

Wow! I was too pooped to visit the computer last night. I was too tired to cook...Too tired to clean...Too TIRED. It was a great feeling.

I am still in shock or awe or something about things falling into place so quickly. I was praying about this very much. I was so worried about whether or not it would work. I prayed very hard and nonstop.

The job was advertised as full-time, so we had to consider whether it would be worth my going back to work after so many years. I was worried about leaving my children with just anyone. It is always difficult to entrust my children's well being to someone else. We have the memory of "the yelling school."

When Number One Daughter was about two and a half, she began to dread going to daycare, which we called "school." She started to refer to it as "the yelling school." I went to pick her up one afternoon and sure enough the teacher in her section was yelling at children. Not just yelling; she was YELLING. She grabbed something out of a little girl's hand, too. I saw the whole thing.

I stood there and stared at her and asked her what she was doing. I stayed with that class until the little girl's parents arrived. The girl was crying and I told her mommy what had happened. Then I went to another teacher and told her what I had seen. I also told her to have the director call me. We never took Number One Daughter back to that place.

Well during the interview, I was told that they were going to try something different. They were making the position part time. It fits with G's work schedule! The children get to be with us: hooray! And hip, hip HOORAY!

I was exhausted yesterday after work. G brought dinner home before he went off to his job, so I didn't have to worry about cooking. I am still tired this morning, but it is a good tiredness. I am back out there and I survived it. Dare I say that I flourished out there? It is like riding a bicycle, I think.

The job is very low stress and busy enough that the day flies by. It is as if Jesus heard all of my prayers and tailored the job to fit all of my needs and pleas. I am so blessed. Very blessed indeed.

Golden

Number One Daughter has made a full recovery. Her appetite is back; she is a grazer and it is hard to find things that she likes to eat, but when she was in the hospital and for three or four days afterward, her appetite was nonexistant.

Four days after we brought her home, Little Big Boy fell on the stairs. It looked like something went through his cheek, so off to the ER he went. As it happens, there were two cuts one on the inside of his mouth and one on the outside. He was lucky. They were concerned that he had a concussion, but those worries were unfounded. That is it for us and the hospital!!
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I interviewed for the job at 10:00 a.m. on Friday. At 4:55 p.m., I got the call and offer. I start working on Monday. I did it! I survived the anxiety attacks and did well in the interview. It was a great interview. I feel so blessed.


Grace. Sportsmanship. Glory. Gold.

Shizuka Arakawa deserves the accolades. When we lived in Japan, I learned not only another culture, but another way of life. The Japanese are humble. Every where we went in 1969, we were greeted by curious people. They offered us their Japanese to English dictioneries while they pointed at a sentence. Usually the sentence read: You teach me English and I will teach you Japanese. We had weekly lessons where lots of college students came to our home for English lessons.

Once in a while two couples would come to our home. One husband spoke Spanish and Japanese and the other spoke English and Japanese. My mother is Mexican and speaks fluent Spanish. Oh! The afternoon long conversations that were had. It was an enchanting time in my life.

When great things happen for Japan, I am always so happy; it is as if I consider Japan my country away from my country. I am fortunate to remember our two years in Japan. My little sister was four through six, so she doesn't recall our trip and exposure to the wonderful culture.

When Arakawa was on the ice, you could feel her presence. She was amazing. I have enjoyed these Olympic games. It seems that not many others did. What a shame. Watching talented athletes is a great way to introduce children to different sports and cultures. I miss moving around like we did when I was a child. I would like to travel with my children-Wish I had been one of those workers at the meat processing plant! Nebraska? The lottery is an amazing thing-I do not play...You can't win if you don't play.

Interview & Olympics

I have an interview this morning. It has been a long time since I worked outside of the home. We need this. I think I want this, too. It would make everything much easier-except daycare. It is very difficult to decide whether or not it is financially sound to work full time. If the money is simply flying out the window to daycare, it isn't worth the sacrifice of time spent with my children.

I am lucky that I have a husband who supported my desire to stay home with Little Big Boy. He stayed home with Number One Daughter.

I know that quality daycare professionals are not paid well-That is awful because we entrust our most precious children to their care-They deserve every penny. The thing that is difficult is that it costs money to work outside the home.

I am praying that His will be done.
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My favorite moment in the Women's Olympic Figure Skating Free Skate was when the lovely Japanese skater realized that she in fact had won the Gold! I am so happy for Japan! Shizuka Arakawa performed an elegant free skate last night. This is Japan's first ever medal in figure skating and also their first medal of these games. It was a lovely program and her humbleness-so very characteristic of Japanese people was charming. I read that she said, "I don't realize I have the gold medal." It was charming to the tenth plus one.

Sasha, Emily and Irina fell to the ice and it was so hard to watch their hopes and dreams crash with them. I give them credit-They all got back up and finished nicely-Nailing the landings in subsequent jumps. They should be proud.

My second favorite moment from last night's telecast was when the Italian skater performed. She was so graceful and happy to represent her country. She was graceful and lovely. As soon as her music ended, the tears streamed down her face. She did her country proud.
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In a way, today is my own Olympics. Anyone who suffers from anxiety attacks will understand how hard it is for me to go out on this interview. I hope to conquer my anxiety-I have to for all of us. Today with butterflies in my tummy and a panic attack underway, I ask you to think good thoughts for me and send up a prayer that His will be done. Thank you and God's blessings.

Bitter Button...

It must be hard to be a two-time gold medalist. In fact, you must be in such great demand that you never get enough sleep. That is the sole reason that makes sense about Dick Button.

He sounds bitter. He sounds angry and it is impossible to enjoy figure skating with him spewing his drivel. I find him so offensive and in a poll of my family and friends, I am not alone.

I forget about Dick Button, but when the Winter Olympics roll around, I simply hope that NBC will have left this man behind. Why don't the NBC execs see his limitations and callousness? He has seen his day and it is time to get rid of him.

Scott Hamilton on the other hand is wonderful. I love the way he gets excited for the skater. It is so neat to listen to someone who loves the sport comment on the program being performed. He yells, "WHOA!" and it just makes me feel good.

Scott Hamilton watches the performance from the perspective of one who loves the sport. Button calls the shots from the position of "I am the king of all I survey." In other words, Button's over-blown ego is root of his bitter attitude.

Scott Hamilton is a pure joy to watch on the ice-his trademark back flip is highly entertaining. More than that, he is a man who faced his mortality repeatedly and keeps smiling. He is the epitome of a great performer.

So NBC, I am telling you can the man with the attitude. Button had his day on the podium and doesn't deserve the honor of commentating on the performances given by today's top figure skating athletes.

It is very sad to see someone so lost in his ability that he can no longer enjoy the sport. Most of all, it is sad to see NBC continue to employ this man who has long been a bore. Hand the mic to Scott Hamilton and turn Dick Button out to pasture. The smile in Scott's voice is far superior to anything that Button offers up.

No. 1 Daughter & Pediatric Ward

This morning after having been in the hospital since Tuesday afternoon, Number One Daughter was released. On Tuesday, we rushed her to the hospital with appendicitis. The pain in her right side was so blistering that she couldn't walk. As it happens, she ended up not needing surgery, but was in the hospital for four days.

Her white blood cell count was a toxic 23,000 and this morning it was back in the normal range at 9,500. I have many stories to tell of the stress, panic and not knowing what was wrong. They never did find out what the infection was. Apparently it was viral and not bacterial, but she is lying on my bed in my room eating fruit roll ups. She hadn't eaten for three days. Again, I have many stories to tell, but I am going to tell you two of them now:

On Thursday morning, we were hit with a huge winter storm. We have a ton of snow! We were in the hospital on the second floor in the pediatric wing. We had been in the hospital for two days and I never left from the moment that she was admitted. Number One Daughter's fever was spiking repeatedly until last night at midnight, but yesterday morning, it was 102.9 before they gave her Tylenol.

She was lethargic and was tired of being poked and prodded. Well, the snow was piling up and I pulled the Venetian blinds up and opened the window. Snow was blown into her hospital room by strong gusts. There wasn't a screen on the second floor window, so I turned my back to her and worked quickly. She was laughing because I was freezing and saying, "Oh! Brrrr. Brrrr Brrrr!" Then I turned around and presented her with her very own snowman. I made him out of the snow on the window and positioned him so that he was looking in the window at her. She smiled and we laughed about it for at least an hour and every time we looked at him. It was a blessing from God to hear her laughter again. And we had a little bit of fun in our room.

The snow storm continued barreling through. We had great flashes of lightening and thunder snow, too. It was a huge storm. In fact it was so strong and awful that the Sheriff's Department had to close the interstate for a while.

During the storm, Life Flight was called because a two week old was having trouble breathing. Ideally, the baby would have been transported to Children's Hospital in Milwaukee. The storm prevented the baby from being flown there. So they had to bring him to the hospital where we were.

We heard the helicopter land and they rushed the infant into the room directly across from ours. My parents had sent a teddy bear and multi-colored balloon with the message, "Get Well" on it. Number One Daughter was so moved by the baby's cries and his racking coughs. Our nurse came into our room and Number One Daughter said, "Would you take the Get Well balloon to the baby for me?" The nurse's face just melted as I assure you mine did. I do not know when I have felt such a rush of pride and love. The nurse took the balloon to the baby's room and we prayed for him many times over the course of the day and afternoon.

Today, Number One Daughter was able to see the baby boy very briefly as they rolled him away for tests. I took her over to meet the baby's mommy. She looked at me and I said this is my daughter, she gave you and your baby the balloon. The baby's mommy said, "Can I hug her?" And I said, "Of course!" The baby's mommy cried as she hugged Number One Daughter. I hugged the mommy afterwards and bestowed wishes for God's blessings on her son and her family.

The balloon was placed near the crib and the helium in it made it reach for the sky...A silent but very heartfelt plea and prayer from my six year old daughter to comfort and heal this baby. As we turned to leave their room, I told the mommy that God would be with her and her son. And as we walked out, I knew that God was patting Number One Daughter on the head for her compassion and big heart.

I am so exhausted from the worry, but look how blessed I am: My daughter walks in Jesus' footsteps each day. There is no greater joy.

The winner is...

What is the con-troversy? Chinese figure skating pair Dan Zhang and Hao Zhang went out there to perform their long program. They were going to attempt a throwing move that had never been performed in competition. Unfortunately this lithe beauty fell hard on her knees.

She got right up. Her tears and pain were obvious. She went back out on the ice and tested her knee. Trainers questioned whether or not she should attempt to finish the routine, but she was not to be denied. These after all are the Olympics-She as worked for this moment all of her life. This was their moment.

They took back to the ice and every lift...Every jump...Their footwork and grace were exemplary. This team deserved to medal.

Their performance reminded me of Carrie Strug's jump when her knee was injured. You could argue that Zhang wasn't as injured as Carrie was, but I would challenge you on it. Who is to say how much pain she felt? Her adrenaline kicked in and she "brought it." I couldn't be more proud, if they had been American skaters.

The heart that I witnessed last night brought me to tears. This. Yes THIS is what the Olympics are all about. Heart. Competition. Perseverance. I was so moved by Zhang and Zhang's performance that I watched it again at about 4:30 a.m. CST and I was moved to tears again.

The Olympics are a celebration of mind over body-sometimes. On a day when so many athletes had to be flown out of the competition and then they stated today that they are going to still try to compete-well that is what the Olympic spirit is all about.

I was treated to a pairs' figure skating performance that was worthy of a gold medal. Giant hearts from the land of giant pandas....It's all good.

Olympic egos

Little Big Boy has a double ear infection, so I'm glad that the snow storm missed us. We got a few inches of snow, but that is it. However, we are expecting a big storm tomorrow. I hope that we do get some good snow; we haven't had a good fall in years.

Two feet of snow creates a lot of issues, but it also makes for a lot of fun. Just google pictures for the 26 inches that NYC got. Beautiful.

I have been watching some of the Olympic coverage on NBC. I have a gripe:

I am so tired of people thinking that you have to talk during the event. Wouldn't you like to just enjoy a performance? It is as if the news personalities are bigger than the event that they are covering. I mean it is as if, the reporters have Olympic egos.

I noticed it at Coretta Scott Kings funeral, too. If they thought we would be bored by one of the eulogies, they would talk during the speech. I wanted to hear what people had to say.

Educating viewers is one thing, but to overtake the performance with chatter makes it impossible to enjoy something. I mute the sound often, but it detracts from the performance, too. The little tribute that they gave to Michelle Kwan last night was bookended by a conversation with the reporter and Bob Costas. They spent more time discussing and "setting up" the tribute than was given to the footage and tribute itself.

Sometimes, I just want to say, sit down; shut up. I think that they have forgotten how to find a balance. It's also evident in the way we are force fed things that we like. Remember when Who Wants to Win a Million Dollars was fun? Regis was great. Then they made the show several days per week and it was too much! I still cannot watch Regis-and I had been a fan since his days doing a morning show in Los Angeles.

They are force feeding us Dancing with the Stars, too. 90 minutes. 90 minutes one night and one hour called The Results the next night. Well, I didn't watch last week. I really like the show, but it is so full of "filler" that it is impossible to stay interested. I do not like the host, either. I didn't like that guy when he was the host of America's Funniest Videos.

We are force fed everything. How many versions of Law and Order and CSI do we really need? The interest in such shows would last longer if they weren't served up all week. Not to mention the availability of reruns.

Some where a long the line our intelligence was doubted, I think. I don't mind not knowing what the name of a trick or jump is. Rather, I do not want to try to learn it during a performance. Show me it in the weeks before the Olympics. I mean would you or I know if someone missed the forth rotation on a jump? Maybe we have to listen to it because people complained about not knowing the jumps, but now they provided far too much information.

I performed in an Olympic tournament. When we lived in Japan, I took judo lessons. I was one of three who demonstrated falls and rolls. It was a very cool experience. It took place before the fights. Back then, we didn't try to force feed things to our fans. (:)

Kwan's true grace

I have supported Michelle Kwan in her quest for gold each time that she has pursued it. It has eluded her. This year she was given a spot on the Olympic team even though she wasn't able to earn her way onto the team. At the time, I blogged that Emily Hughes should have been the one allowed to go to Torino.

By withdrawing from competition this early, Michelle Kwan leaves enough time for Emily Hughes to get up to speed.

I watched the footage of Michelle Kwan choking back sobs as she talked to her coach after she cut short her practice. It was heartbreaking. Michelle's struggles on the ice to achieve the pinnacle of her hard work hasn't been easy to watch. It is like watching Tai Babilonia and Randy Gardner. These things happen.

Michelle cemented her championship status by pulling out of the Olympics because her injury will not allow her to compete. By reaching this decision-under heartbreaking circumstances, yet again, I think she has won something here that is much better than gold. She displayed more grace off the ice than she can ever achieve on the ice and that is a lot of grace. In time, I hope that she sees it that way, too.

Matthew 10:28

For years I have suffered from anxiety. It is debilitating. I have spoken before of the recommendation of therapists that people who are depressed or suffer from anxiety are not supposed to listen to or read news or listen to evangelists; both accentuate the negative.

Since the events of September 11th, I have had a short circuit in my ability to deal with anxiety. I have talked about it in therapy. I have blogged it.

In actuality, my anxiety was made worse by the events of 9-11; it was actually born in my childhood because of my grandfather-the predator. I am always "on-guard" and had always been "on-guard" since I was about four years old. It is difficult to live in fear.

I watched coverage of Coretta Scott King's funeral. During the coverage, it was reported that Martin Luther King, Jr. Heard about JFK's assassination and turned to his wife and said, "That is going to happen to me." She looked at him and said, "I know."

They knew. They knew and yet kept going. They kept marching and peacefully protesting even though they knew that someone had him in their sights. After her husband was assassinated, Coretta Scott King said, "I will not live in fear." Then she went to Memphis to march with the sanitation workers.

Wouldn't we have understood, as President Clinton stated, if she hunkered down with her children and went about a quiet life after her husband was assassinated? Yes. We would have understood. Yet she didn't. She continued the fight...The march...The dream. She kept going. Not only to honor her husband, but to continue to pursue a better life for all races.

It is funny that I had to go back to reading the news to connect all of the dots. I "get it" now. I had been immersing myself in fear. I was actually trying to find out the worst case scenario so I would know what I needed to do to prepare for a terrorist attack or a pandemic or a fight like that which occurred on Flight 93 on Septemtber 11th.

I felt that I needed to know what could happen and in looking into all of the possibilities, I scared myself half to death....Almost literally. Now I realize that nothing in my life has changed. Some day we will all die-we cannot predict it or prepare for it. It will just happen-No matter what I do to prepare. We are after all mortal.

This has been a long and difficult journey for me. Little Big Boy was born six months after the World Trade Center was destroyed. At the time I wondered why we were bringing another life into being; it all felt so scary and frightful. But now I realize that the chance of death has always been there. I just forgot that. It was there before September 11th, too.

I have allowed myself to be immersed in the fear. Coretta Scott King was brave and her children were brave to carry on their father's message all these years...Knowing that someone could raise a gun to them, too. They defied the shooter(s) and thus thwarted the assassination. In spite of the assassination, the civil rights movement moved forth...Undaunted. That is what I wasn't able to see any more. I should just continue on toward the dream...The dream that hatred will be abolished...Right?

So now I can get back to living. Now I understand what it all is about.

Matthew 10:28

Do not fear those who can kill the body, but cannot kill the soul; rather fear him who can destroy both soul and body in hell.

A Heavenly reunion

Let freedom ring.

From the game to the slammer

Hooray for the Steelers:) I wanted them to win. After the game was over, I watched Cowher's three daughter's mob him and the joy on their faces was wonderful to see. Over the years, they had shed so many tears because their dad didn't win the big game.

I didn't watch the game; G had to work during the game and I didn't feel right watching it without him. I flipped to it three times to check the score and I watched the last five minutes and 44 seconds. It was wonderful. G was rooting for Holmgren's Seahawks-because in Packer country we still think highly of him; however, I wanted Cowher to take the win.
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David Spade is in the Capital One commercial that asks: What's in your wallet? Little Big Boy replies, "I don't have a wallet."
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Number One Daughter celebrated the 100th day of this school year on Thursday. She brought home her report card and had the highest marks in every class. This is worrisome. She is very bright, but a perfectionist, too. She came home from school one week ago and misspelled two words on a practice spelling test. She was so disappointed in herself. She said, "I used to get them all right." Then she dissolved into tears.

I explained to her that the reason that they make dictionaries is because no one can spell every word. I also said that I was glad that there is a book called a dictionary because I do not know how to spell a lot of words. Then we looked up some words together. She was smiling by the time we finished. G is very worried about her; he was so upset when she was crying. He said, "She's like me." and the pain in his eyes was as deep as the pain in her eyes. So I told him that I thought she'd be lucky to be like him. We talked about it for a while and in the end he was smiling too.

Perfectionism is a disease. We all have it. I hope we can exercise it before the kids judge their worth by it as a measure of their potential.
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Dateline NBC's To Catch a Predator III is to be applauded. They finally brought the police in on the sting. More accurately, they brought in the Riverside California Sheriff's Department. The sting netted 51 with 50 predators being arrested. From a rabbi to a Homeland Security Agent, this net cast a wide path into every socio-economic bracket and every race. It is alarming to see the jobs these predators held...Teachers...ER doctor...Actor...Sexual offenders.

What was most stunning was that some of them hung around when an actual arrest was being made. The men who just sat in their cars were arrested, too. There must be something that we can do to protect children from predators.

The best weapon that we have is to teach children the dangers of surfing the internet for friends. Helping our children create a support system complete with nurturing friendships is the best tool that we can offer.

I regret not going to the police about my mother's father...If only because he wouldn't have been able to harm any one else. Yet during the Dateline report, one of the predators had been prosecuted 20 years ago for molesting three children in one family. Yet here he was trying to do it again. He trolls for victims online.

When I was in high school, I knew of two teachers who were molesting teenage girls. One of them was reported to the police. He was suspended with pay. In the end, he was allowed to return to work because there wasn't enough evidence to convict him.

The other teacher bought air plane tickets for students to meet him in the Bahamas. He wasn't reported or found out. He was a science/chemistry teacher. The other one was a math teacher. They were given the benefit of the doubt back then. I wonder if it would be different now?

We have to teach our children about trolls because they do exist and they can be our neighbors. I did a sexual predator search in my zip code on one of the sites online. There are 20-some in this area. Blocks from my home. I had no idea. It is a very sobering realization.

I'm glad that Dateline has continued to pursue this story. If you haven't seen it yet, it is airing on MSNBC in reruns.

I've Got Your Back

I am a small and precious child, my dad's been sent to fight.

The only place I'll see his face, is in my dreams at night.

He will be gone too many daysfor my young mind to keep track.

I may be sad, but I am proud. My daddy's got your back.

I am a caring mother. My son has gone to war.

My mind is filled with worries that I have never known before.

Everyday I try to keep my thoughts from turning black.

I may be scared, but I am proud. My son has got your back.

I am a strong and loving wife, with a husband soon to go.

There are times I'm terrified in a way most never know.

I bite my lip, and force a smile as I watch my husband pack.

My heart may break, but I am proud. My husband's got your back.

I am a soldier, serving proudly, standing tall.

I fight for freedom, yours and mine by answering this call.

I do my job while knowing,the thanks it sometimes lacks.

Say a prayer that I'll come home and remember who's got your back.

~Author Unknown

God Bless the U.S.A.

War Correspondents' support system

ABC Correspondent Bob Woodruff is no stranger to Iraq. He was embedded with troops in Iraq in 2003 when NBC Correspondent David Bloom died while embedded with troops. The Woodruffs and Blooms were/are best friends. Here is a journal entry from Bob's wife Lee about David Bloom...sadly, today we discover that Mrs. Bloom may have been called to rush to Lee's side this morning...prayers to his wife and four children. And prayers also to his camera man and family...

"Monday, April 14 The phone call in the middle of the night is almost a cliche. But when it happens to you, it is very real. I got the call because my friend Melanie's phone was turned off, as it often was at night. And so it was me they reached. The gentle instructions I got were to get in the car and start driving to her. They wanted me to be there when she got the worst news of her life.

"I never knew how many little things went into someone's death: choosing the right black patent leather shoes for the little girls to wear; finding out what day someone's paycheck stops; seeing suits and shirts, still in their dry cleaning bags, hanging in a closet. There is the smell of too many flowers in the house; the prescription to "take the edge off" your friend's grief. Then there is the sheer amount of food and drinks required to keep a house full of family fed when everyone is too numb to even think about cooking.

"Let me tell you about David Bloom the way I knew him. He loved breakfast: big plates of pancakes and bacon and sausage, bowls of fruit—but no coffee. Caffeine, for him, would have been redundant. I remember warm summer days with the top down in the Blooms' Jeep, the four of us singing like fools at the top of our lungs on our way to play tennis.

"My children loved him like an uncle.

"So Bob is back, though his homecoming was not the joyous occasion I had envisioned. Instead, he was airlifted out of Iraq to give the eulogy at his friend's funeral. All this makes Bob's return bittersweet. But he is home, and we have learned to live for the moment—to snuggle when we can, let the dishes sit in the sink, worry about the dust bunnies later. That's what David would have done. If he'd made it home.

"For us, the war is over."

—Lee Woodruff is a freelance writer who lives in New York.

I'm sure that Melanie Bloom was there for her friend. I hope the war really is over for them this time. I hear that he is in serious but stable condition. The next 48 hours are critical his doctor said.

The fact that there are so many families who have dealt with this and worse every day breaks my heart. I hope that it is over soon. God bless America.

Yosemite backcountry

Yosemite backcountry, originally uploaded by mlog.

A few posts back, I talked about a quote from a Sierra Club book that I have. Loosely it goes thus:

"...So why do we do it? Walk miles and miles to exhaustion? The answer is: the view at our feet..."

This photographer captures this. His flickr photos are amazing and you should visit him. Each photo is more breath-taking than the last. Look for outstanding mountain peaks-Young mountains that jut into the sky like a sword welding prince celebrating a victory. There is a capture of a wave at sunset and it looks like lace being held before a fire. Amazing. Inspiring...You will want to don your hiking boots-the captures are that wonderful.

I felt that I could walk into his photos and smell the starkly cold air. Amazing-you will love the adventure that he takes you on. He is the Ansel Adams of color photography.

Pandemic prep

My recent post about desperation was in large part due to the fact that G lost his job. It was a bad situation and although it was a good thing, it brought memories of homelessness and times when money was so short that I couldn't put a roof over 18 year old's head. That was long before I met G...well months before actually.

Well, today, G was hired for another job. It is in his chosen field. This is "the prize" that he has been seeking for so long, but he wouldn't take the leap because he was too worried about finances. Now, it seems that even when you resist God's will, he will make it happen. You might get frightened, but you have to believe. Sometimes it is harder than other times.

But here G goes. He wanted this when he was young, but took a detour into broadcasting-lucky for me that he did-we wouldn't have met at the radio station had he not taken the detour.

I watched Anderson Cooper 360 tonight-yes, again. I have to stop watching it. I have been watching things that frighten me. It is spilling over into my dreams and today, I was home alone into the night. I wouldn't go downstairs because I was frightened. Some of my wounds seem very raw. At times like this, I wonder if I will ever know what it is like to relax and feel safe.

So AC 360 was about the possible bird flu pandemic. They also talked about the swine flu of the '70s and how it was supposed that it would be a pandemic. It wasn't. So what do I do? Prepare or ignore? I chatted with G about it and it came down to this: if-and granted it is an IF-the bird flu does become an infectious disease for humans, too, who would be the most vulnerable? My answer is Number One Daughter and Little Big Boy. I said and THAT is why we should be prepared. Maybe we would never need anything that we store, but in the event that we needed to protect them for a while-months even, it would be better to be prepared for it.

G agreed with me. I don't think that it is giving into fear, no that isn't it. It is that they mean the world to me and if I can spare them by being prepared: so be it. I think it is more like Joseph and the Technicolor Dreamcoat than fear. He knew to prepare for the seven years of drought and famine. Maybe this is one of those times when I should listen to HIM without fail.

This is how I get when I watch too much news. I was a news junkie for many years. A reporter. A freelance writer. My life was surrounded by deadlines and urgent situations. The older that I get-the less I can stick to this life. It doesn't keep me interested anymore and it doesn't make me proud anymore. It just frightens me. It scares me half to death. Then again, the White House has a plan for influenza pandemic preparedness, so people are trying to be ready for it-whether or not it happens.

I also reason that because G is in the healthcare field, he will have to work if there is a pandemic. I imagine that all healthcare professionals would be called to work and not allowed to come home. I have to be prepared because I might be the only one who can care for Number One Daughter and Little Big Boy. So we'll be as prepared as we can be. I know if it is "our time" that it is our time, but at least I can do little things to ease my mind-like being prepared to take care of us for a length of time. Does this make me crazy? It feels crazy.

Steelers AFC trip

'nough said:)

Riding the River Thames

I am so sad that he died. I wondered why they loaded him aboard the ship. I thought that it might have been easier to shuttle him out between the two rubber raft boats that they corralled him in. Such a sad turn of events. An afternoon of sorrow with West Virginia mines taking center stage again. Prayers for healing to the families-again, she said wistfully.
No one really knows why he went up the river Thames, but here he is. I love whales. When people try heroic measures to save a creature, God must smile.

I watched whales migrate off of San Francisco at Point Reyes Station, California. They were humpback whales. Two fully grown whales and a calf was between them. It is a sight that I will never forget.

It puts things into perspective, doesn't it? All the weighty matters in the world and everyone eyes turn to a stranded North Atlantic Bottle-Nose whale in London. It gives me hope for "man."

Desperation

I am in the midst of a bubbling panic attack. We are in trouble. The walls are closing in. No one else is home. I have been holding in my panic and now I am alone and it is okay to feel. I'm frightened. I'm having a heart attack. My chest is going to explode.

I have never been able to take care of myself. Is that because no one really ever took care of me? Or is it because I keep trying to get someone to take care of me because no one ever did? I lived in a homeless shelter when 18 year old was five or six. I was actually homeless for a long, long time. I stayed in the office once. A co-worker caught me there. It was humiliating and I made sure that I never got caught again.

Eighteen year old never went without food or clothes. I made sure of that. Right now, I am having a panic attack because I am scared that I am going to end up like that again. But what I am kicking myself about is this: Do I keep perpetuating it? Do I bring it about because I want to scream for someone to take care of me? Is it because that man trolled the halls late at night when my parents were asleep?

I can't breathe. I'm choking on fear. Sometimes I feel so little.

Heinz 57 post

I think if I were on the Knicks and saw someone grab my wife's hand, that I would fly into the stands, too. Remarkably, Davis didn't touch anyone; he only asked what was going on. Five games suspension is ridiculous! He should be applauded. There are so many THUGS in professional sports that this guy kept his fists in check and should get a medal for it.

Little 11 year old Haleigh in Baltimore...I hope God takes her home. She has suffered more in this life than anyone should. I cannot believe all of the politics involved in this. The little girl's aunt, who adopted her and her adoptive father should be sentenced to death by baseball bat. Criminals have all of the rights.

Why do we pay football, baseball and basketball players so much money? Could they ever use it in their lifetime? Do they use it for any good? How many thugs are on professional sports teams? It would be interesting to see how many are in trouble/have been in trouble with the law. G wonders if we think the percentage is higher because it is reported. Seems to be the rule rather than the exception.

We are holding our heads above water. We actually are so blessed. On AC 360 tonight, they showed the neighborhoods that look like Katrina is not a four or five month ago event. Shame on the insurance companies and shame on the members of our government who aren't blasting the insurance companies. The crime in our governments is as rampant as it is in professional sports.

We have girl scout cookies to sell. Number One Daughter's Brownie troop is selling them. Our little girl is so shy! She wants to sell them, but can't bring herself to ask anyone. Poor girl. She's her daddy's daughter! I never met a stranger. Sometimes that is a good thing and other times, well, you know.

Good night Wilson Pickett.

What's goin' on?

Almost everyone is in a "funk" of sorts. Many of my blogger friends are experiencing crisis in one form or another. It's like what happens during a full moon...too much upheaval. Mercy, mercy me...Marvin Gaye. I love that song...

We are in the midst of shaky times, too. G's job is gone. It is a time of tension and nerves. Outwardly I am calm-for him...but inwardly, I am a mess of knots and butterflies.

I am being careful because the kids do not need to be upset with it. All they know is that G is home and they are so happy. It is a wonderful side effect of the upheaval.

Prayers for everyone in their time of need and gratitude for the laughter that others share.