Dusting of snow

Early this morning, we had our second dusting of snow.

"Reality's" gray line

When I was 18, our family doctor told me, "You need to learn to relax." I have never accomplished that goal. Never. I cannot recall any day in my life when my body wasn't "on guard."

It is a result of a gpa who trolled the hallways at night. And it is also the result of being bashed upside the head or kicked or whatever that P's father would feel up to. I used to think that they were separate things, but they are actually related. Gpa T taught me what to expect when it came to men.

I read somewhere or heard somewhere-I think both-that if you want to be a writer, you should not write about incest or abuse. Let me rephrase that, if you want to be a successful writer you shouldn't write about incest or domestic violence or date rape.

Does that mean that once taboo topics have yet again numbed society to the depth of the pain inflicted on survivors of abuse of any kind? I find that interesting. What is that show? The one where people eat bugs and other deplorable and disgusting things-yes, "Fear Factor." You-not you, you, the "royal" you-You mean to tell me that people would rather watch this disgusting excuse for entertainment than hear another true story of abuse?

Rather than spend money on ridiculous fodder as so called "reality" t.v., that money could go to Ethiopian families who have to place children in orphanages because they cannot feed them properly. See this month's issue of Good Housekeeping for the story of two such children. They are now flourishing with their adoptive family in the United States.

That is reality. So the "Survivors, Fair Brady, Bonaduce, Tommy Lee-gag-he is a batterer" are consuming resources and apparently enough viewer brain cells to keep them going. To what purpose? What good is being served?

No-television was not invented to serve a "greater purpose." It was invented to entertain. So called "reality television" is not entertainment-it is exploitation.

Somewhere along the line...think NYPD Blue, which was supposed to be so daring, made it okay for words like, "slut. bitch. bastard", etc. to be uttered during prime time. That isn't entertainment either. Last night and the night before, I watched reruns of Friends and the Gilmore Girls...I like them both, but Lorelei uttered the word, "slut" and it rolled off of her tongue so easily in the seven o'clock central time slot that I just stared at the screen. Yes, they have the little viewer rating on the upper left hand corner, but last time I checked, I was not 14. I cannot recall the words that were uttered on Friends, but there are many words uttered on that show.

I only just began to watch Gilmore Girls again. It was a show that I always liked, but just stopped watching. Maybe it was the language that made me turn off the t.v. set in the first place.

Using this "language" is not okay. It is not freedom of speech. It is carelessness. It is laziness. A great man once said that using vulgar language is actually laziness. It is a crutch. You are not asking your brain to define what you are feeling, you just insert an expletive.

I suppose part of the reason that I am opposed to this language is that when I think of the trolls that I have known...the ones who stole innocence from me, I think of things that are lost. This language is stealing the innocence of our children. They have become numb to its vulgarity. I am hyper-sensitive to the potential loss of innocence, you could say, but you cannot deny that I can recognize loss of innocence when I see it.

Please vote for this 8 year old!

Zach is such a cute young philanthropist. Since he was six years old, he has raised thousands of dollars for children who have met with unfortunate circumstances. He has met and used to post on Ro's blog. Anyway, he has been nominated for an award at PBS. Please follow this link and vote for his foundation. And if you can email the link and/or post it on your blog, too, well, that would not only be awesome, but a blessing. This little guy pays it forward every day;)

It is the "Be More Awards". You can vote for his foundation under the alphabetical link below. The name to vote for is: Little Red Wagon Foundation

http://www.wedu.org/site/apps/fc/form.asp?c=adJFLKNjGiF&b=1187097

He is deserving and very humble. Thank you and God bless. I pray that he wins this award because he most assuredly deserves recognition.

"Days" rant

My husband has been a Days of our Lives fan for most of his life. He and his buddies would watch it during lunch in high school.

I hate soaps because I was addicted to One Life to Live when I was in school. They are addicting and that is that. I stopped watching them for over 15 years for that very reason.

But, you marry a soap addicted man and you get roped back in. Now Days is just another soap in my mind. Marlena possessed was probably the worst of it all-until now that is.

Jack is planning to kill himself. I am so angry with this story line. The writers and actors could have taken the high road and used this as an opportunity to educate about suicide and the realities of it. Instead, Jack is flippant about his suicide plan. And he has accomplices!

Enter Billy-he asked her to help him commit suicide. And she turned him down and left the house. Again, the portrayal could have been helpful, poignant, even, but the writers and actors are treating it with no real knowledge of the toll and emotional turmoil that is present in a suicidal person.

My Number One Daughter's Godfather, killed himself when he was 29. Forever 29. He wasn't able to find a reason to live. G and I knew that he was suicidal; he called us one afternoon in tears. He had followed his dream and become an FBI agent. He was living in KC and telling us that he was living his dream. But it was the things that he wasn't saying that I wonder about now.

When he called us, we made him lock up his service revolver and go to the emergency room. The doctor said it wasn't "classic" depression. No meds were prescribed. He got on with his life for a while. He volunteered as a mentor in a program that taught people to read. He was working on cases that excited him.

In retrospect, that time lasted less than one year. All too soon, we got the call. He didn't arrive at work one morning, so agents were dispatched to check it out. They found him shot to death in his bedroom.

Then there is Kaitlen. Forever 16. Both of her parents killed themselves. Her mother shot herself to death in front of Kaitlen. Two days later, Kaitlen was found cradling her mother in her arms. They had to pry her fingers off of her mother's body. Kaitlen was in shock. Less than two years later, Kaitlen killed herself. And I miss her so much. There is such a heart wrenching story that is or rather, was Kaitlen's life. We talked about adopting her. I tried so hard to help her. She was in the hospital when she completed suicide. Bless her heart.

This is suicide. It is forever. There is no taking it back. It is painful to the family and friends and it leaves a trail of unanswered questions. Not a day goes by that my heart doesn't think of one or the other or them. I miss them very much. In the end, only a suicidal person can decide whether or not life is worth the fight, but how I wish that I had done more.

Suicide is NOT what is happening on Days. Stupidity, yes. I refuse to watch it. I beg of you to not watch it or to write to the program and tell them how irresponsibly they are portraying suicide. They are making it look like an easy decision and act. It is not. It is in a word: devastating.

If you or anyone you know is thinking about suicide, get help immediately. The best thing to do is ask them if they have a plan. If they do, get them to the emergency room immediately. If you are the one thinking about suicide, I beg you to think of this:

Someone will have to identify your body. Suicide is a permanent solution to a TEMPORARY problem. Suicide is forever. Your friends and family will survive your suicide and it will cause great anguish and pain. Don't do it. Call a crisis line. Call your best friend. Call your mother. Call someone and talk it out. Visit this website for more information on suicide prevention and education: http://www.save.org/

I love you Mike and Kaitlen.

Judging Abby's mommy

Number One Daughter is heartbroken, but not as heartbroken as Abby and her mommy.

• Abby is a child in Number One Daughter's class at school.
• Abby is six.
• Abby is in the first grade.
• Abby has one brother and one sister.
• Abby has to go to a new school.

Abby's last day in Number One Daughter's class was yesterday. Everyone in the class made a card for Abby. Number One Daughter said that her card said, "I love you." on the outside.

Abby, her brother and sister have been removed from their mother's care. Number One Daughter told me the story through her eyes this morning. And my eyes are still moist with tears.

"Abby has to live with her grandma and go to a new school on Monday. Her mom has to get a job before Abby can live with her again. And Abby was crying and I kept doing this," Number One Daughter demonstrated crying up to the sky. Then she continued, "Everybody made a card for her and she made a card for everybody. I like Abby."

If you are a Judging Amy fan, you will be thinking about Maxine Gray and DCF and court and the removal of children from their parents. It is a blessing that Abby's grandma can take them in...That she is willing and able to take in her grandchildren.

I wonder about Abby's mom. Is she the victim of circumstance? Is she unable to find a job? Can she not afford daycare? What is it in Abby's life that caused this ripping apart of a family? How I wish that I had known. How I wish that I could have helped.

I want to believe that Abby's mommy has hit bad times and that this one an injustice. I want to believe that she will find a job and be able to get her children back soon. I don't want to think about addictions and all that.

And all of a sudden it occurs to me that I don't know at all whether or not Abby's mom is moving in with her mother, too. Was this a court thing? Or was it circumstance and necessity? Did a marriage fail and now a stay at home mom is running home for comfort and support and care? I have no idea why I was so quick to jump to the conclusion that Abby was actually removed from her mom's custody. And I am shamed by it.

"You can also call her Abigail," Number One Daughter explained, "but I like 'Abby' best. It is short and pretty."

"It won't take a long time for her mom to find a job," Number One Daughter said later. Then she goes off to watch a video or play with Little Big Boy. She keeps flitting in and out of my presence bestowing little bits of her sorrow on my lap. Her mind continues to work the problem and try to make sense of it. Each time she comes in my room, I wonder if she is going to ask me the question. The one question that I wonder if she is worrying about.

Then it comes with a serious face and wrinkled brow: "Mommy, will I have to go live with Grandma. You don't have a job." Ah, I tell her, I have the BEST job; my job is taking care of you. And she flits back out with a skip and peace reigns in her world again.

"I miss Abby," she tells me. Yes, Honey, I know that you miss her. The best thing that you can do for her is to pray that she gets everything that she needs at her grandma's house. Let's pray for her together. And we do. Then silently, I pray that Abby and her family will be able to get on their feet and be reunited it they are separated or find the courage to overcome these difficult times, regardless of circumstances.

And I end my prayer with a plea that God give her a friend who will love her as much as Number One Daughter does.

Children CAN protect themselves

I am a survivor. I survived childhood sexual abuse. I survived date rape. I survived domestic violence.

More importantly, I broke the cycle of abuse and try to teach my children to protect themselves. Little did I know that I was going about it wrong! Wow...I mean, I thought that as a survivor of childhood sexual abuse, I am especially aware of what needs to be told and how to prevent abuse. I am not.

If you think about it, a survivor is hyper-sensitive in the first place, so it stands to reason that I would over-react to such a threat. It is so obvious, that I sit here wondering why I never considered it before. Yet, I just realized why I am so controlling: I don't want harm to come to my family and I will do anything to protect them. So far that has included alienating a lot of people, including doctors and their assistants. In my mind, if the doctor or assistant can't help my child NOW, then they are harming them. Crazy thought, but very real panic issue for me. And it has taken me a long time to make this realization.

Today, I received a newsletter from the Polly Klaas Foundation (find the link to the Polly Klaas Foundation on the left-hand gutter under "B the Cure"). She was a child abducted, sexually abused and then murdered. In the newsletter, there were links to articles about teaching children how to protect themselves from sexual abuse and abduction. The material is well written and it addresses the possibility of sexual childhood abuse without discussing specifically what could happen. It gives a child tools and vocabulary and PERMISSION to tell on someone who has tried to touch them inappropriately or harm them in some other way.

I present this information here because I lived through sexual abuse, but it still affects my life today in ways that I am only beginning to recognize. Believe me, I have been trying to overcome the abuse in my life for 26 years. So, I am telling you the best way to protect your children is to teach them to protect themselves. This investment in empowerment will save your children a lifetime of pain and choices based on the lowest self-esteem imaginable.

Here is the information that you can use to protect your children:

Child Sexual Abuse: the Hidden Epidemic
By Sherryll Kraizer, Ph.D., Coalition for Children

While abduction by a stranger is one of the most terrifying things for a parent to think about, children are actually far more vulnerable to abuse by people known to the family and community. Child abuse occurs when an adult causes, or threatens to cause, emotional, physical or sexual harm to a child. Child abuse includes physical, sexual, and emotional abuse.

Parents should know that:

1. 85 to 90% of all abuse occurs at the hands of someone known to the child, someone in a position of trust.
2. About one in every four children will be sexually abused by the age of eighteen.
3. Most sexual abuse involves no outwardly visible physical damage to the child.
4. The damage comes from the physical and emotional violation of the child, and the violation of a trusted relationship. These can be more long-lasting than physical injury.
5. Most abusers are family, friends, and neighbors, someone the child knows and trusts.
6. Parents, schools and organizations may use all of the avoidance technology at their disposal against strangers, yet experience tells us that they are almost always surprised to discover perpetrators in their midst.
7. Parents obviously donÂ’t leave their children in the care of people they believe to be perpetrators, but the facts tell us that parents must be prepared for such an event.

A Child's Best Defense
The best way to prevent abuse when the parent or care-taking adult is not present is to provide children with the skills they need to help protect themselves. The essential prevention of child abuse skills can be taught without talking about abuse. Children donÂ’t need to be told what abuse is, who the offenders are, how they operate, what they do, or why. They donÂ’t need to be told that the people they love might hurt them. Rather, prevention is learned through positive and concrete messages that give children the skills they need to act effectively on their own behalf when they are in potentially abusive situations.

The reality is that there are times when children can and must be responsible for their own well-being, such as when they are alone with a potential abuser. At such times, they need permission to speak up. They need specific skills and techniques to stop what's being done to them. And, they must know they will be believed and supported by the adults in their lives. The best overall defense children have against abuse is:

• A sense of their own natural abilities,
• The ability to accurately assess and handle a variety of situations,
• Knowing where and how to get heland Knowinging they will be believed.

Prevention of sexual abuse training begins with children's natural abilities, what they already know, and the experiences they've already had. The positive and concrete fundamental messages in prevention of child abuse by people known to the child include:

1. Your body belongs to you.
2. You have a right to say who touches you and how.
3. If someone touches you in a way you don't like, in a way that makes you feel funny or uncomfortable inside, or in a way that you think is wrong or your parents would think is wrong, it's okay to say "no."
4. If the person doesn't stop, say, "I'm going to tell" and then tell, no matter what.
5. If you're asked to keep a secret, say, "No, I'm going to tell."
6. If you have a problem, keep talking about it until someone helps you.

Children learn that they can have more control over what happens to their bodies when we teach them, and when we show them through our own behavior, that their bodies do indeed belong to them. Children as young as two and three already know what touch they like and what touch they don't like. Touching they don't like makes them feel uneasy and may seem wrong to them. The Safe Child approach to prevention simply gives them permission to speak up. It teaches them how to speak up effectively and in a way that is appropriate.

Prevention of child abuse techniques must be learned not just as ideas, but as real skills. Proven classroom programs for children and follow-through by parents are the best way to learn these skills. This means practice. Part of effective prevention education includes role-play, giving children an opportunity to see how it feels to say "no" in a difficult situation.

Just as children don't learn to ride a bicycle by talking or reading about bicycling, children don't learn to prevent child abuse without opportunities to work with the techniques, to practice and feel comfortable with the skills. Role-play, practicing and parental reinforcement are the keys to teaching children to protect themselves when adults are not there to protect them.

How to Respond if a Child Tells You About Abuse:

The trauma of a child reporting abuse is very real. If this happens, the first concern is to remain calm and supportive of the child. Give the child an opportunity to tell you in his or her own way what happened. Donover-reactact or criticize the child in any way.

THE CHILD NEEDS TO BE TOLD:

1. That you believe him/her and you're glad s/he told you.
2. That s/he didn't do anything wrong.
3. That you will do your best to see that s/he is not hurt again and you will make every effort to get help.
   

Do not promise the child that you will do anything specific. You may not be able to keep that promise. Children who report sexual or physical abuse need to be examined by a doctor. Make the child a part of the process. If possible find a physician the child knows or one who is particularly experienced in abuse cases. REMEMBER: Almost without exception children do not lie about abuse, except to deny that it happened. REMEMBER ALSO: The trauma of abuse is long-term and not always apparent. When a child reports being abused, the process of recovery begins. The next step is to report the abuse and begin the process of treatment for the child.

Reporting Suspected Child Abuse or Neglect.

The decision to report suspected abuse is almost always difficult. Remember that 85-90% of all sexual abuse and virtually all physical and emotional abuse involve someone known to the child. This means that the offender is usually known to the community. Interpersonal relationships and community considerations frequently bring hesitation to report. At these times, it is important to remember that the TOTAL responsibility for the offense lies with the offender. Reporting protects the child and may protect other children from becoming or continuing to be victims of abuse. A person who reports suspected abuse is not responsible for ruining the offender's life. The person who has the courage and takes the responsibility to report is saving a child as well as future victims.

ANYONE may report a suspected case of child abuse or child maltreatment. It is important to know that the law does not require certainty before reporting and that you have no responsibility to investigate or to try to gather more information yourself. Any suspected case should be reported. Reporting suspected abuse or maltreatment does not make a person legally liable, however there may be penalties for failure to report. The law protects any person, official, or institution that makes a report in good faith (meaning an honest belief that a child is being abused) by providing immunity from any liability, civil or criminal, that might otherwise result from such actions. While reporting child abuse can be difficult, all of us have an obligation to act on behalf of all children. If we do not act, who will? The National toll-free number to report suspected abuse is 1-800-4ACHILD at www.childhelpUSA.org .

THE COALITION FOR CHILDREN The Coalition for Children is a not-for-profit organization, founded in 1983, which is committed to creating and providing positive and effective prevention programs for children and families. The Coalition is not a group; rather it acts as a catalyst, bringing together individuals and organizations for specific projects and community action. To learn more, please visit: www.safechild.org.

When u wish upon a star...

make sure you are wishing on the right star. This is by far my favorite time of the year...patience, courtesy and generosity abound. There is so much going on in everyone's lives, but they set it aside and treat people better than ever.

It has been a long time since I found words for a post-even now, I choose to set aside my worries and concerns and ask you to support the hungry.

On the left hand gutter, you will find a category of B the Cure; please follow the link and click to feed the hungry. It is free and you can click every day.

In 1984, Bob Geldolf had a vision to hold a concert to Feed the World; twenty-one years later, Live-8 rocked the world because the job still isn't being done. This season, maybe you can buy one less toy that will make its way to the back of the closet and donate the money to your local food bank.

Another option is to approach organizations like St. Vincent de Paul and offer to sponsor a family for Thanksgiving or Christmas. You provide a complete meal for a family or a staples and holiday gifts for the family.

This year give the greatest gifts to those who need nessities. It will change their lives...and yours, too.

God bless you and yours this holiday season.

Sevens tag

Tagged by Chocolate Makes it Better;)

7 things I want to do before I die

1. Live in a warmer climate again
2. Take G and the kids to Japan
3. Show G the California Redwoods
4. Take my family to Disneyland in Anaheim
5. Establish a memorial scholarship fund in Mike's honor
6. Make peace with my past
7. Collect shells with Number One Daughter and Little Big Boy along the shore of the Pacific.

7 Things I Cannot Do

1. I have never learned how to relax.
2. Eat spicy fare-yes, I'm 50% Hispanic and cannot eat spicy food
3. Ignore suffering
4. Sit without fidgeting
5. Sleep all night
6. Recite the multiplication tables
7. Paint-I long to paint beautiful landscapes and portraits

7 Things That Attract me to the Opposite Sex

1. Eyes
2. Sincerity
3. Personality
4. Hairy chest
5. Smile
6. Chivalry
7. Confident stature

7 Things I say Most Often

1. No way, Jose
2. Yes way, Jose
3. Pretty please, Jose
4. I love you
5. Have a happy day
6. Actually
7. I love this/that song

7 Celebrity Crushes-not crushes, but I find these men have/had a lot of sex appeal

1. Dopey
2. Gregory Peck
3. Tom Hanks
4. George Peppard in Breakfast at Tiffany's; I despised the A Team and never watched it.
5. Ewan McGregor
6. Sean Connery
7. Cary Grant

I hate Halloween and other tales

I hate Halloween. There are enough boogie men in my world. Number One Daughter started to sing The Five Little Pumpkins and I joined in. The smile on her face was incredible. I told her that I sang that song in school, too. It is comforting to me that some things do not change. To borrow a line from Breakfast at Tiffany's, "it gives me hope...Continuity with our past." or something very close to those words. We might not be trick or treating. G has to work. His parents are going to D.C. for the weekend. Maybe we will trick or treat in another community on Sunday so Daddy can take part.

1. Little Big Boy doesn't want me to call him "Puppy" anymore. He didn't like us to call him anything else. He has grown up so fast. He loves school. He comes home from school and I ask, "How was school?" and he replies, "It was AWESOME!" He can't wear size threes anymore. Some fours aren't big enough. My Little Big Boy-the baby-is growing up too fast and walking out the door too quickly. It is happening right before my very eyes and I want to shout: Wait! Wait up. Alas, it is better to say: Go on. Go ahead. Enjoy.
2. Number One Daughter is having a tough time with Halloween. The "haunting" music has her in tears each night. Tonight I had her try singing Christmas carols while she tried to sleep. That didn't work and she asked if she could recite poems. SURE! That didn't work either. So I told her to turn on the hall light and sing Jingle Bells. Soon, minus the tears, she was sleeping peacefully.
3. Salsa just snuck outside with Pepper. Declawed cats, they darted out when I was letting Bessie out. I tried to coax them back in, but the cats just disappeared. Pepper sneaks our frequently. And for the first time ever, Salsa joined her. It was like a prison break-well planned and timed. I just know that Pepper has been telling Salsa all about "out there." Well, I left the light on and am worried sick, but I couldn't find them when I went outside. I will check one last time before I lock up for the night.
4. I am watching the Astros in the top of the 11th in the third game of the World Series. Two out. The score is tied 5-5. I do not like the Sox...But it appears that eight men out might be helping the nine men on the field. Every call has gone their way-minus one homer early in this game. How I wish the Astros would take it all, but again, Shoeless Joe et al, appear to be in on the games.
5. Joey, our adopted cockatiel, is pulling out some of his feathers. I am alarmed to say the least. I have read that it is something that they do when they are upset, nervous or the like. So I talked with him quite a bit today and put extra millet sprigs in his cage. Is it possible that he is having a delayed reaction to his new home? I hope not.
6. Today I was spring cleaning. It is my hope that we will be able to have Christmas this year. Last year, I was recovering from surgery, so no tree. This year, I want to have all of the trees up. One day, I will have my year-round-Christmas room. 'Til then, I will just enjoy it from the end of September to the New Year. It really doesn't bother me that Christmas decor is given more space in stores than Halloween junk. I do not like 10/31. I know that television shows and many people make a big fuss over it, but to me it just lost all of its allure when I discovered the history of it. There are so many things that I prefer. As much as I like autumn, I despise autumn colors. I have never liked them. Except on trees. Autumn's palette belongs on trees and slowly drips off of them and runs over and onto our lawns. It is beautiful.

Therapy and things

Well. Friday was therapy for P and I. It went so well that I simply had to write about it as soon as possible. Dry sarcasm is hard to hear on a blog, huh?

It was impossible. I wanted to leave at least three times and said as much. That boy. THAT boy. That BOY. Three ways and it doesn't seem to fit any way that I spell it.

I was hurt. Enraged. Anxious. Nervous and stunned. In tears and ready to make my escape. And all this in 45 minutes.

I think that we are beyond the "who is right or wrong" of it. I do not trust him. That simple and that complicated.

He doesn't want to come home again-ever. I find that stunning.

It ended badly, but neither the therapist or I knew it. I got the dose of it ending badly on the ride home. He wants to be "out there." It is where he can have his way without asking. He can live his life his way. I'm embarrassed for him, actually.

He is unemployed and living at the home of a like-aged friend. I wonder what the friend's parents think. I wonder what story they were told. I doubt the truth is being told, but does it matter? Am I thinking like a child myself?

During the year and a half that P was back with me, he lied, snuck a girl into our home late at night and had sex with her, had sex in our backyard, suffered that he had no say or part in an abortion-though it is what he wanted to happen, flunked out of high school, made up a class at the last moment and received a diploma-though it is still sitting at his high school waiting for him to pick it up.

He did all of these "grown up" things and after the therapy session, he was angry that I have to drop him from our health insurance. It is a requirement, since he isn't living here and doesn't want to return-which is for the best, I think.

I have given him a deadline to pack his room and I told him that he has to call me the day before he wants to come over and pack it up. He is going to store it here, which is fine for now.

So after four days of pondering the situation I realize that I am angry with him-again, still-which ever. I'm angry that he doesn't want to come home. I'm angry that he thinks everything is owed to him on a silver platter. I'm angry that he wants what he wants NOW. I'm angry that he feels entitled to it. I'm angry that I had to remind him that I did not get an apology from him for calling me vile things.

I think, too-and maybe most of all, I'm angry because "my boy" doesn't want to come home. He isn't my boy anymore and more importantly, I don't think he ever was. Not in the biblical sense of him not being my son-no not like that. I mean that all during the therapy session, he kept telling me how much better it had been living with his father. The batterer. The jerk. The man who so many times left deep purple bruises on my body that didn't go away for months. "The man" who knocked me out-literally.

My son models his measure of a good life by a man that is absolutely worthless. A man who doesn't deserve to be called, "a man." My son worships a man who threatened to take my boy from me and has made good on that promise. A man who told my little boy so many lies and was so deceitful with him that my son believes that I was the batterer in that relationship. OMG. That is the true measure of his father being the lowest form of life. He told my boy that I hit him...I cannot even begin to say how deeply that hurts.

My son believes "that man." He believes him. OMG, he BELIEVES him. Well doesn't that just make me want to grab an axe and play Paul Bunyan. (When I worked in forestry and my emotions were running hot, I would chop down brush, or buck up wood or run a chainsaw for a few hours. Physical labor is good for the soul.) He has believed this for a long time that I was the one who was hitting his father-what a laugh that is, but to be told this in the little room, well, I wanted to climb the walls. So, he's staying "out there."

I have given power away again to that jerk. I have given him the power to enrage me again. They say realizing that some thing is a problem is the first step to resolving it, but I have been down this road so many times. I thought that I beat this to death a long, long time ago. And here it is again rearing its ugly head. WHY CAN'T I JUST ESCAPE THE ABUSE OF THE PAST? WHY DOES IT ALWAYS COME BACK? EVERY TIME THAT I THINK I HAVE KICKED IT, IT CREEPS IN AGAIN.

I guess now all I want is for him to come pack his things. The deadline is Friday. Sigh. Then on November 11th, we go back to therapy. Why do I subject myself to such torture? Because he's my boy.

Sleep sweet, Rosa Parks

On December 1, 1956, Rosa Parks refused to give up her seat to a white passenger on a bus.

Two months later, she was taken into custody and finger printed. The fact that giving up her seat was the law is obscene.

I wish that we were farther along in race relations and rights. So many people are victimized even in the year 2005.

I am glad that she had the courage to take a stand on that December day so long ago. How many people have that kind of courage? To stand up and be counted in a country where simple basic rights were being denied must have been very frightening. It saddens me that there are still basic rights denied to people.

Poverty, hunger, racism, hatred run rampant in our world, but there are people like Rosa Parks. I hope that everyone who thinks about her today and in the days ahead are changed in a way that helps them do the right thing.

Like next time someone says a racist remark, you take the time to say, "that isn't funny." Or the next time someone gossips about someone who is different, you get up and walk out of the room. Or tell the gossip that you don't like talking about people behind their back.

I don't know if I would have refused to give up my seat. I don't know if I would have been that courageous, but I can live my life a little differently because Rosa Parks was. I hope one day that there won't be a need to discuss basic human rights as a goal in our lives. I hope one day that we will see it come to pass.

Rosa Parks died today-peacefully in her sleep at the age of 92-and I know that Jesus himself was there to welcome her home.

Fall on your knees

Have you ever hit rock bottom? Really hit it-hard. You know that you are as low as you can get and that is a good thing. Then, the bottom falls out again. There must be different levels of rock bottom. One step up and two steps back. I think that we are finally to the point where there are no more false bottoms and we are going to be making steady progress back up.

I texted messaged w/P today. I wanted to know what outcome he was looking for. Did he expect or desire to come home after the session? What was he thinking?

I was surprised that he didn't want to come home. I really was. I figured that he would want to just come home after the therapy session, but I was wrong. He said he didn't want to come home. He just wanted a relationship with his family.

I was relieved. G and I had been discussing terms for P to have to agree to before he could come home. I was glad that he didn't want to come home. TALK ABOUT GUILT! I mean, I feel guilty for feeling relieved.

G and I are getting closer again. We don't have a constant battle over manipulation by P. And we don't have that feeling of dread that something is going to turn into an argument. The yelling is almost non-existent. There is a sense of calm-well not perfect calm and certainly not all fun and games, but since P has been "out there," we have gained some peace.

It is strange that I assumed that P would want to come home right away-that he had had enough of being "out there." He doesn't want the rules or the arguing or yelling either. Perhaps I didn't realize that while I wasn't looking my boy did become a man. He is intelligent enough to know that it is not a good situation if he isn't willing to live by house rules. That is a "grown up" revelation.

He has made his mistakes and I have made mine. We will continue to do so, but I will have to tell him tomorrow that I am proud of him for being honest. He could have said that he would live by house rules and followed them for a few days and then gone back down the same ol' path. Instead, he chose to stay "out there."

I know that his reasons for staying out there aren't necessarily mature and sensible, but they are honest. Right now, that is very manly to me, so I have to remember to tell him so tomorrow.

Thank YOU for reading and keeping me in your thoughts and/or prayers. We are going to be okay. I apologize for not visiting your blog and commenting, but I need to continue to repair my family. I know some who drop in need prayers and thoughts, too...I am thinking about you. Thank you for listening.

Star light; star bright

I have been wishing on stars lately. Wishing. Hoping. Worrying. But I know that I will not find answers in the stars...Unless I am following the Star. The right Star. The Star that led so many to the manger.

I have written, but not finished a half dozen posts. I do not have anything to say, but this I know is true. I need to really give this all up to God. I need to let go. It is the most difficult thing that I can do.

When I am in this "mode," I usually lash out and attack things that bother me. I am a "fixer." If things are wrong, I right them. If there is an injustice, I right it. If there is someone who needs a "dressing down," I give it.

I learned to be a fixer a long time ago; it is my survival skill. It is what my mind taught me to do because my childhood terrorist was beyond my control. I have had many adult terrorists, too. I have discussed this in depth many a time. But these are the things that molded the person that I have become.

Lately, I have been wanting to secede from my family. I want my family to just go away and leave me alone, which is very contradictory to what I have written before. I haven't seen most of them in years and years, but it is especially at times like these that I want them to be gone from my life.

I look for approval-especially from my father. I will never have it. Even though he has on a few occasions told me that he is proud of me, I know when he is not. Like when I call him and my mother on the telephone and my children are talking in the background or making too much noise. I can hear the disapproval in his voice. The "children should be seen and not heard" mentality. This has cost me many sleepless nights and tears, but it is what it is.

I really struggle with my need for parental approval because I would also like to dress-down my parents. I would like to voice my disapproval and disappointments. My irritations and dislikes.

Perhaps that is what P is struggling with now-to a degree. He wants and perhaps needs parental approval, but he also wants and needs his independence. I cannot give my approval for some of his actions, but I can tell him that I love him and always will-more now than ever. It is exactly in times of crisis that we should blanket our family in love. Surround them with a family hug...Even long distance.

I do not have to approve of P's actions, but that doesn't mean that I don't approve of or love him. That is a difficult lesson to teach a child. I see the difficulty that I have with Little Big Boy and Number One Daughter. It is hard to tell a child that what they have done is naughty, but that you still love them...Not because the words won't come, but because their hearts and minds are so fragile. Little Big Boy doesn't understand how I can be angry and still love him, but I keep trying to show him how it is possible. At three and six years old respectively, Little Big Boy and Number One Daughter need to know that I am always going to be there for them.

That is a very hard lesson to teach when P has been kicked out. The little ones do not know where P is or why he hasn't been here lately. Little Big Boy keeps saying, "I wish P was here." "I do, too," I say.

Once when P was about eight years old, he and G were traveling alone across the state. P looked at G and said, "When you are thinking about someone who isn't with you, do you think that they are thinking about you, too?" G replied that he did think that it is true. I have been thinking and praying a lot for P. I wonder if he has been thinking and praying a lot for me, too?

I saw him briefly this morning. I hugged him for a long minute and let him go with tears in my eyes. Then he said, "When is your next appointment with Kris?" I told him that I didn't have one; to which he replied, "If you make an appointment, I'll go with you." We are going to therapy on Friday morning.

It is true. When you are thinking about someone-they are thinking about you.

"O My Father, if it is possible, let this cup pass from Me; nevertheless, not as I will, but as You will" (Matthew 26:39).

In your 18th year

Another turning point; a fork stuck in the road.

Time grabs you by the wrist; directs you where to go.

So make the best of this test and don't ask why.

It's not a question but a lesson learned in time.

It's something unpredictable but in the end it's right.

I hope you had the time of your life.

So take the photographs and still frames in your mind.

Hang it on a shelf

In good health and good time.

Tattoos of memories and dead skin on trial.

For what it's worth, it was worth all the while.

It's something unpredictable, but in the end it's right.

I hope you had the time of your life.(music break)

It's something unpredictable, but in the end it's right.

I hope you had the time of your life.

It's something unpredictable, but in the end it's right.

I hope you had the time of your life.

18 year old loves that song. I don't know where he is. Maybe that is best. I texted him that I love him and always will. I worry and wonder where he is. Nights are long, but I hope that they are short, warm and comfortable for him.

He called a couple of days ago, but it ended in him swearing at me again. Right now, I guess he just needs to be out there to see what "reality" truly means.

I feel guilty and afraid, but there are times when Little Big Boy yells at me and I know what is happening. The yelling took over our home, so it was time to put an end to it. It just seems to have cost so much either way.

When Number One Daughter was in a daycare program, she changed rooms and began to call it "the yelling school." I popped in unexpectedly one afternoon and discovered that "the yelling school," was a very accurate description of her new room. The teacher was yelling at a student and grabbed something out of the little girl's hand. The look on both of their faces were awful...one out of control, the other fright filled.

I reprimanded the teacher and took my daughter and the other girl to another teacher's room and asked for the center director. She wasn't in and I left a message for her to call me. I told G what had happened and we never stepped in that facility again; no one was going to treat our daughter like that. It was a bad situation and I made certain that the district HQ knew what had happened.

Now I realize that we were all yelling in our home. It was time to end the yelling. I do not want Little Big Boy or Number One Daughter to think of this as "the yelling home." So much to repair.

The silence from 18 year old is a weapon I suspect. That alone makes this necessary, but it isn't easy. Ten years from now, I hope that the silence was worth it for all of our sakes.

We'll leave a light on...

Yes. We'll leave a light on and a path cleared to the door. Wishing wishes...a soldier...a soldier comin' home....

Soldiers are everywhere, I think. You might be a soldier. Fighting your "good fight." A tough day at work. The loss of someone dear. A prodigal son or daughter. Are you a soldier-fighting a fight of some kind?

Then you know how tough YOUR fight is. So tonight, get down on your knees and say a prayer for our Armed Forces. Their fight could cost them their life. And they are fighting for us. For our freedoms, our country, our children.

I am lost in my "issues," but I know that there are greater pains. There are deeper sorrows. There are bigger fights. God bless all soldiers.

And while we're on the subject: After all that has happened around the world, isn't it TIME TO BRING GOD BACK INTO OUR SCHOOLS? Back into our government. Back into our lives.

After Katrina hit New Orleans and all of the devastation was evident, Anne Graham was interviewed on a morning show and asked where God is in all of this? Her answer was stunning and profound-an email message is making the rounds now about her reply. This is it:

"I think God is deeply saddened by this, just as we are, but for years we've been telling God to get out of our schools, to get out of our government and to get out of our lives. And being the gentleman He is, I believe He has calmly backed out. How can we expect God to give us His blessing and His protection if we demand He leave us alone?" In light of recent events...terrorists attack, school shootings, etc. I think it started when Madeleine Murray O'Hare (she was murdered, her body found recently) complained she didn't want prayer in our schools, and we said OK.

Then someone said you better not read the Bible in school. The Bible says thou shalt not kill, thou shalt not steal, and love your neighbor as yourself. And we said OK. Then Dr. Benjamin Spock said we shouldn't spank our children when they misbehave because their little personalities would be warped and we might damage their self-esteem (Dr. Spock's son committed suicide). We said an expert should know what he's talking about. And we said OK.

Now we're asking ourselves why our children have no conscience, why they don't know right from wrong, and why it doesn't bother them to kill strangers, their classmates, and themselves.

Probably, if we think about it long and hard enough, we can figure it out. I think it has a great deal to do with "WE REAP WHAT WE SOW." Funny how simple it is for people to trash God and then wonder why the world's going to hell. Funny how we believe what the newspapers say, but question what the Bible says.

Funny how you can send 'jokes' through e-mail and they spread like wildfire but when you start sending messages regarding the Lord, people think twice about sharing. Funny how lewd, crude, vulgar and obscene articles pass freely through cyberspace, but public discussion of God is suppressed in the school and workplace.

Funny how when you forward this message, you will not send it to many on your address list because you're not sure what they believe, or what they WILL think of you for sending it. Funny how we can be more worried about what other people think of us than what God thinks of us."

Well, I do not like Billy Graham. Once upon a time, he said if his "congregation" didn't send him enough money then God was going to "call him home." What a bunch of malarkey. God wouldn't take someone to Heaven over a "material" thing like money. I do not like televangelists either. They are dooms day sayers and they prey on your pocketbook. Pun intended.

But I have to agree with his daughter that our world is going to hell. If our money says, "In God we trust" why can't we?

Hell week

18 year old needs prayers.

If you are so inclined, please pray for him. I kicked him out yesterday morning. I did it once before earlier this year. This time is very different. This time, there is no turning back.

He thinks that he is entitled to freedoms simply because he turned 18. He has been disrespectful to G and I through his senior year. He especially challenges G.

Over the past few weeks, it has gotten worse and worse until I put the House Rules in writing-yes, a contract. Then I gave him chances each time that he broke the rules and I revised the House Rules once.

After all of that, he still wouldn't tow the line. Well then yesterday, I had a physical therapy appointment and went downstairs to wake him so he could apply for a job while I was at PT. He kept arguing with me. (I had grounded him for three days and nights. Yesterday was going to be the last day of it.) I warned him that if he didn't stop arguing that I would add another day; yes, he continued to argue. I added Saturday to the grounding. And he swore up a storm. Then, I warned him again to stop or I would add Sunday. He continued. I added Sunday and he swore more.

I don't really remember what the final straw was, but I finally yelled, "That is it! Get out of my house." He yelled, "you're kicking me out?" And his swearing and language got worse and worse. Then I slapped his face. Open handed, but I slapped him. Then he did something that I will never forget. He called me a "whore."

My 18 year old said that to me. I still cannot believe it. I am in shock-I'm stunned. I cannot believe that he has so little respect for me that he would say that. The worst part? He sounds exactly and acts exactly like his father. How I tried to insure that I raised him to be a better man than that. How I tried to have more influence than that man on my boy. How I thought that I had succeeded. Yet, here we are.

Well, he's out there. Staying at a friend's house. I texted him yesterday and asked him where he will be staying. Then, another argument ensued. He replied that come Monday he would be in the streets. He called me and swore some more and I hung up on him. I let him know that he needs to make calls and find a place to live. That this is it.

He gets what he wanted: freedom. No curfew. No rules. No participation in our family. No chores.

Last night at 11 p.m., he called and I thought the worst-busted for drinking...Something like that. Well he wanted to drop by and pick up something. OMG. What? You called me because you want to pick up something? At 11 p.m.? No! Call at a reasonable hour. He argued some more. He just keeps going and keeps talking. "why not. Why not. You're both awake. Why not. Come on let me come and get something." WE WEREN'T AWAKE!!!!!!!!

I didn't tell him that. I just said no and he continued to talk and I just hung up on him.

I can't live like this anymore. I can't have him disrupting the whole family. I can't have my little kids mocking or rather mirroring his actions. I can't explain why he needs to follow rules and have a curfew anymore. I can't keep doing it. I can't.

I feel guilty. I feel responsible. I feel like I raised him to be a better man. I feel like a failure.

I feel relief. I feel like I can breathe again. At least some of the time. I know that he is going to call me today, but it is going to be on my terms and not his and this will not go over well. It is looming again.

We aren't supposed to give up on our children. I'm not giving up, though. I'm not. I'm just trying to let him see the reality. He wants all of the freedom and no rules simply because he is 18 years old. He doesn't understand that things are earned. This is hard and awful and scary, but I think this time it is necessary. I'm not going to cave in like I did last time.

Change. Changes. I'm not going to cave in. This time he is going to have to see that everyone has rules. That I require respect. There will be apologies, too. I am so tired. I am praying. I am hoping that he will be okay out there. I am hoping that he will learn something out there.

Heaven help us please. Amen.

All I Want For Christmas

I dedicate this song to you. The family of a deployed soldier, airman, seaman, elite forces member or Marine. And to you: a deployed member of the Armed Forces. I can think of nothing better than for you to be Home, especially for Christmas.

If you are not going to be home for the holidays I want you to remember that HOME is also in your heart and you carry it with you where ever you are and where ever you go. It may not feel like that, but I know it is true because I lived the life of the family of a Marine. I know that my dad was with us on those Christmas' when he was deployed. And I know that he was with us when the turkey that he should have carved was sliced by someone else. He was always with us.

I make this wish for you now and extend it now and through the holiday season. God bless you, our Armed Forces and God bless America, its allies and friends. And may God end the evil in the world so that we can enjoy a Christmas of peace, love and joy in Jesus' name. Amen.

All I Want For Christmas (a Soldier Coming Home)
Artist: Xmas Balls
featuring: Monty Lane Allen

A music box for her
A bike for little Joe
All I want for Christmas is a soldier comin' home

The family trims the tree
With candy canes and bows
All I want for Christmas is a soldier comin' home

Wherever you are tonight
We send you prayers and love
I'm saving you the good stuff for a toast when you come home

I hope you know we're proud of you
And we miss you so
All I want for Christmas is a soldier comin' home

There's Christmas lights in town
The ground is white with snow
All I want for Christmas is a soldier comin' home

Wherever you are tonight you're in our hearts and prayers
We'll all be here to greet you back from over there
Don't forget we love you
We'll keep the fires goin''

All I want for Christmas is
A soldier
A soldier
Comin'' home

Yeah,yeah,yeah
A soldier comin home
Oooooo yeah, yeah

All I want for Christmas is a soldier comin' home
Yeah yeah
hmmmmm
hmm hmmmmm

I must learn to...

~let go of things beyond my control.

~leave "well enough" alone.

~give up the need to control because I did not have control of people who harmed me when I was too young to defend myself or understand what was happening.

~accept that I can only do so much.

~be thankful for my husband and children-at all times and not just when it is convenient for me.

~forgive myself for falling short of "perfection."

~realize that "things" happen and it doesn't mean that they are "being done to me;" they are just happening.

~savor the autumn air before it, like the summer, is over before I had the opportunity to appreciate it.

~give God the reins for the whole ride and not just when I "need" or "want" him to take them.

"I've fallen and I can't get up"

When I was in kindergarten, we had a presentation of some kind. Our chairs were in rows facing the "audience." Then one of the more rowdy boys in my class pulled a chair out from under me just before I was going to sit down. I fell on my bum very hard and continued to fall back until I hit my head on the chair behind me.

At the tender age of five-years-old, I was very good at shutting out pain and harm. I was a pillar of strength. You-YOU can't make me cry. Yes, by then, I was adept at throwing up walls that I am still struggling to demolish.

It hurt. My bum hurt. My head hurt, but I think more than anything, I was stunned that you had to be on guard at all times and not just when a certain extended family member was around. "Danger, Will Robinson," existed every where. Not just at home when the grandparents were visiting. Not just when we visited "him" or rather "it" in Anaheim.

Ironically, Disneyland was only a few blocks away from my grandparents house. What a crock. A real travesty. He lived so close to a place of dreams and childhood fantasy and fun. He was a real Disney villain, only there weren't any mountains for him to fall from...Or fires for him to fall into...At least not in this life.

One week ago Sunday, a chair that I was going to sit in was suddenly gone and I crashed to the ground. I fell forever and once I landed on my backside, continued to fall backwards until my upper back, shoulders and head finally hit the floor.

Faster than a speeding bullet, G was at my side. He was there before I finished falling backwards. He must have leapt from where he was reclining. I mean he made it in one movement. The look of worry and concern was a welcome relief. "Are you okay?" he asked. "No," I replied, "no, I'm not." I start physical therapy on Friday.

Isn't it funny how history repeats itself? Only this time, I didn't have any walls up and there wasn't a Darth Vader. The chair just crumbled. A quick look at the chair revealed that the bolts or screws weren't secure and they just slipped. I fell to the ground and for some reason I was drawn back to kindergarten and I cried. It hurt in the past and it hurt in the present. I am on meds that do not relieve the pain.

However, I let my inner child heal and now I know that is one more flashback that is done. One step closer to leaving the past behind am I.

October is...

October is National Breast Cancer Awareness month. Today I have a diagnostic mammogram. It is a precaution because of a cyst that was discovered three weeks ago. I am neither worried nor concerned; I am lucky it is a precaution and I was due for my every two year mammogram anyway.

On the other hand, October is also National Domestic Violence Awareness month. I am very concerned about this topic. I am a survivor of domestic violence. It is an esteem robbing, support system denying, brutal life; however, there is help. Twenty-four hour hotlines exist for almost every country in the world, including the United States, United Kingdom, Canada and Scotland. Just 'google' it and you can find help online-on the phone and you will be directed to help in your neighborhood. This information is for anyone...NOT just the victim of domestic violence.

If you suspect that a friend or family member is a victim of domestic violence, you can call the hotline and ask what you can do to support the victim. Being there is about the best that you can do, though-the victim has to decide to get out of the relationship. It's that simple and it is that difficult, but don't give up. The seemingly inability to get out of the relationship is very debilitating and very hard to do; the victim will need all of the support that they can get to make and keep the break away from the violence when ready.

If you do know a survivor of domestic violence-the difference is that the victim is still in the situation and a survivor made it out of the situation-there is help for them, too. Counseling, shelters to start life over, financial assistance for necessities, domestic violence hotlines can provide all of these services to help the victim become a survivor.

Perhaps the most interesting program that I have discovered to support a survivor of domestic violence is the Give Back a Smile program sponsored by the American Academy of Cosmetic Dentistry. You may recall that I was hired to blog several commercial blogs. If you visit this one: Dental Health Center, I have blogged about the the Give Back a Smile program and how to contact the organization for application information.

The best part about the post is that there are before and after pictures of a survivor. Her teeth were chipped by her abusive partner-the AACD Gave Back a Smile to this woman. It is worth a read and you can visit the AACD's website, too. It is always endearing when an organization gives back to a community...Giving back smiles is perhaps one of the best self esteem increasing programs I have ever discovered for domestic violence survivors.