9/11

Five years ago, I distinctly recall wondering why I was three months pregnant with Little Big Boy. Why was I bringing a child into a world where people would take civilian planes and use them as bombs all over the eastern United States? Why was I bringing a child into a world where treachery and insanity appeared to reign?

A lot of time has past, but the images from September 11th are fresh in my mind. The most disturbing of all of the images that I recall from that fateful day are the ones that show people jumping from the WTC windows. What in God's name was so awful that the person preferred to jump from almost or over 100 stories up? How could jumping be preferable to staying put? My imagination tells me the answer to this question and it is almost as disturbing as the pictures from the event itself.

I'd like to say that I went on courageously after the events of 9/11, but I didn't. Over the next few months and even years, I became paralyzed. I was so certain that another attack was eminent that I kept myself from living. I justified it by believing that I was protecting my family from a fate such as the one faced by the thousands who died on 9/11.

I know now that there is nothing that I can do to protect my family or myself from terrorists. God's will is His will. It is nothing more and nothing less than God's will. That is not to say that it is His fault or doing. No! It is only to say that if I am called to Heaven, I have to answer that call no matter what circumstances take me there. And it is the same for my family.

When I was a child, my parents could assure me that I was safe. I have lived through and survived enough to know that I wasn't safe, but I have also learned that it wasn't anyone's fault. It was simply what was.

I spent a lot of time trying to make sense of my past-of real, live bogeymen. I talked it over and tried to purge it all from my very soul. In the end, I realized that no matter how much I talk about it, it isn't going to change. I can only change my perception of the events.

I look at September 11th now as a time when people ran from the WTC. Maybe people ran from the Pentagon, too. And even from Flight 93 as it plummented to the ground in Pennsylvania. But while others ran away from the horror, there was a select group of people who ran toward and walked toward and marched toward the scenes of the terror and crimes. And five years later, I can honestly say that I have resolved to be one of the people who walk toward it, instead of run from it.

It isn't a death wish, either. It is a LIFE wish. I choose to live my life inspite of the terror and horror that exists in the world. I choose to believe that there is a greater good. I choose to believe that we can stand up to those who try to control us with fear. I believe that I can show my courage and defiance. They can come here and attack innocent civilians. I know that now, but I'm not afraid of it anymore. I am ready to look them in the eye. Checkmate.