Children CAN protect themselves

I am a survivor. I survived childhood sexual abuse. I survived date rape. I survived domestic violence.

More importantly, I broke the cycle of abuse and try to teach my children to protect themselves. Little did I know that I was going about it wrong! Wow...I mean, I thought that as a survivor of childhood sexual abuse, I am especially aware of what needs to be told and how to prevent abuse. I am not.

If you think about it, a survivor is hyper-sensitive in the first place, so it stands to reason that I would over-react to such a threat. It is so obvious, that I sit here wondering why I never considered it before. Yet, I just realized why I am so controlling: I don't want harm to come to my family and I will do anything to protect them. So far that has included alienating a lot of people, including doctors and their assistants. In my mind, if the doctor or assistant can't help my child NOW, then they are harming them. Crazy thought, but very real panic issue for me. And it has taken me a long time to make this realization.

Today, I received a newsletter from the Polly Klaas Foundation (find the link to the Polly Klaas Foundation on the left-hand gutter under "B the Cure"). She was a child abducted, sexually abused and then murdered. In the newsletter, there were links to articles about teaching children how to protect themselves from sexual abuse and abduction. The material is well written and it addresses the possibility of sexual childhood abuse without discussing specifically what could happen. It gives a child tools and vocabulary and PERMISSION to tell on someone who has tried to touch them inappropriately or harm them in some other way.

I present this information here because I lived through sexual abuse, but it still affects my life today in ways that I am only beginning to recognize. Believe me, I have been trying to overcome the abuse in my life for 26 years. So, I am telling you the best way to protect your children is to teach them to protect themselves. This investment in empowerment will save your children a lifetime of pain and choices based on the lowest self-esteem imaginable.

Here is the information that you can use to protect your children:

Child Sexual Abuse: the Hidden Epidemic
By Sherryll Kraizer, Ph.D., Coalition for Children

While abduction by a stranger is one of the most terrifying things for a parent to think about, children are actually far more vulnerable to abuse by people known to the family and community. Child abuse occurs when an adult causes, or threatens to cause, emotional, physical or sexual harm to a child. Child abuse includes physical, sexual, and emotional abuse.

Parents should know that:

1. 85 to 90% of all abuse occurs at the hands of someone known to the child, someone in a position of trust.
2. About one in every four children will be sexually abused by the age of eighteen.
3. Most sexual abuse involves no outwardly visible physical damage to the child.
4. The damage comes from the physical and emotional violation of the child, and the violation of a trusted relationship. These can be more long-lasting than physical injury.
5. Most abusers are family, friends, and neighbors, someone the child knows and trusts.
6. Parents, schools and organizations may use all of the avoidance technology at their disposal against strangers, yet experience tells us that they are almost always surprised to discover perpetrators in their midst.
7. Parents obviously donÂ’t leave their children in the care of people they believe to be perpetrators, but the facts tell us that parents must be prepared for such an event.

A Child's Best Defense
The best way to prevent abuse when the parent or care-taking adult is not present is to provide children with the skills they need to help protect themselves. The essential prevention of child abuse skills can be taught without talking about abuse. Children donÂ’t need to be told what abuse is, who the offenders are, how they operate, what they do, or why. They donÂ’t need to be told that the people they love might hurt them. Rather, prevention is learned through positive and concrete messages that give children the skills they need to act effectively on their own behalf when they are in potentially abusive situations.

The reality is that there are times when children can and must be responsible for their own well-being, such as when they are alone with a potential abuser. At such times, they need permission to speak up. They need specific skills and techniques to stop what's being done to them. And, they must know they will be believed and supported by the adults in their lives. The best overall defense children have against abuse is:

• A sense of their own natural abilities,
• The ability to accurately assess and handle a variety of situations,
• Knowing where and how to get heland Knowinging they will be believed.

Prevention of sexual abuse training begins with children's natural abilities, what they already know, and the experiences they've already had. The positive and concrete fundamental messages in prevention of child abuse by people known to the child include:

1. Your body belongs to you.
2. You have a right to say who touches you and how.
3. If someone touches you in a way you don't like, in a way that makes you feel funny or uncomfortable inside, or in a way that you think is wrong or your parents would think is wrong, it's okay to say "no."
4. If the person doesn't stop, say, "I'm going to tell" and then tell, no matter what.
5. If you're asked to keep a secret, say, "No, I'm going to tell."
6. If you have a problem, keep talking about it until someone helps you.

Children learn that they can have more control over what happens to their bodies when we teach them, and when we show them through our own behavior, that their bodies do indeed belong to them. Children as young as two and three already know what touch they like and what touch they don't like. Touching they don't like makes them feel uneasy and may seem wrong to them. The Safe Child approach to prevention simply gives them permission to speak up. It teaches them how to speak up effectively and in a way that is appropriate.

Prevention of child abuse techniques must be learned not just as ideas, but as real skills. Proven classroom programs for children and follow-through by parents are the best way to learn these skills. This means practice. Part of effective prevention education includes role-play, giving children an opportunity to see how it feels to say "no" in a difficult situation.

Just as children don't learn to ride a bicycle by talking or reading about bicycling, children don't learn to prevent child abuse without opportunities to work with the techniques, to practice and feel comfortable with the skills. Role-play, practicing and parental reinforcement are the keys to teaching children to protect themselves when adults are not there to protect them.

How to Respond if a Child Tells You About Abuse:

The trauma of a child reporting abuse is very real. If this happens, the first concern is to remain calm and supportive of the child. Give the child an opportunity to tell you in his or her own way what happened. Donover-reactact or criticize the child in any way.

THE CHILD NEEDS TO BE TOLD:

1. That you believe him/her and you're glad s/he told you.
2. That s/he didn't do anything wrong.
3. That you will do your best to see that s/he is not hurt again and you will make every effort to get help.
   

Do not promise the child that you will do anything specific. You may not be able to keep that promise. Children who report sexual or physical abuse need to be examined by a doctor. Make the child a part of the process. If possible find a physician the child knows or one who is particularly experienced in abuse cases. REMEMBER: Almost without exception children do not lie about abuse, except to deny that it happened. REMEMBER ALSO: The trauma of abuse is long-term and not always apparent. When a child reports being abused, the process of recovery begins. The next step is to report the abuse and begin the process of treatment for the child.

Reporting Suspected Child Abuse or Neglect.

The decision to report suspected abuse is almost always difficult. Remember that 85-90% of all sexual abuse and virtually all physical and emotional abuse involve someone known to the child. This means that the offender is usually known to the community. Interpersonal relationships and community considerations frequently bring hesitation to report. At these times, it is important to remember that the TOTAL responsibility for the offense lies with the offender. Reporting protects the child and may protect other children from becoming or continuing to be victims of abuse. A person who reports suspected abuse is not responsible for ruining the offender's life. The person who has the courage and takes the responsibility to report is saving a child as well as future victims.

ANYONE may report a suspected case of child abuse or child maltreatment. It is important to know that the law does not require certainty before reporting and that you have no responsibility to investigate or to try to gather more information yourself. Any suspected case should be reported. Reporting suspected abuse or maltreatment does not make a person legally liable, however there may be penalties for failure to report. The law protects any person, official, or institution that makes a report in good faith (meaning an honest belief that a child is being abused) by providing immunity from any liability, civil or criminal, that might otherwise result from such actions. While reporting child abuse can be difficult, all of us have an obligation to act on behalf of all children. If we do not act, who will? The National toll-free number to report suspected abuse is 1-800-4ACHILD at www.childhelpUSA.org .

THE COALITION FOR CHILDREN The Coalition for Children is a not-for-profit organization, founded in 1983, which is committed to creating and providing positive and effective prevention programs for children and families. The Coalition is not a group; rather it acts as a catalyst, bringing together individuals and organizations for specific projects and community action. To learn more, please visit: www.safechild.org.