Time to let them go

My brother is the man in the bucket in this photo. He is younger than I am. I remember playing games with him when we were little. I specifically recall one day when we were in Japan and no one wanted to play with me. He came home and sat with me on the porch.

Little moments like that carry us through, I think. About ten years ago, he was injured on the job. A head injury. It did a lot of damage. He needed glasses after he recovered. That should have been the indicator of things to come.

Two years ago, I flew to California to see him in the ICU. He had emergency brain surgery. He survived. G and I stayed with him for four or five days. It was an awful, yet miraculous time, too.

In August he had a stroke. I didn't find out about it until October. It is a long and painful story and my parents and I are estranged again because of it. My heart is aching for my little brother. He will never be the same though he recovered well. I know that his time is nearer than I care to admit. We are estranged now, too.

Ironically, a lie created all this mess. A lie that my family didn't even share with me for two years. My brother's wife told my family something about me and it was a lie. He and that woman are divorced now and my family has suggested that they may have been mistaken, but offered no apologies.

Because of the lie, my last trip to California will be the last time that I see my brother. He is not strong enough to talk about what happened. So the clock is ticking toward the end and I am in misery.

My parents for whatever reason have always believed me to be something less than what they expected. I have never understood that. I just don't get it. I am so much more.

After the holidays, I am going to reiterate to them to leave me alone. By hurting me, they hurt my family. The kids deserve unconditional love. They can't offer it to me; how do I expect them to offer it to my children. It is too much pain. I have a responsibility to protect my children. A nagging feeling eats away at me: had my parents protected my sisters and I, perhaps there wouldn't be so many terrible feelings and estrangements. It is time for me to get on with my life free from this nonsense.

It is time for me to let them go.