Airman First Class William Hart Pitsenbarger

THE CITATION: Airman First Class Pitsenbarger distinguished himself by extreme valor on 11 April 1966 near Cam My, Republic of Vietnam, while assigned as a Pararescue Crew Member, Detachment 6, 38th Aerospace Rescue and Recovery Squadron.

On that date, Airman Pitsenbarger was aboard a rescue helicopter responding to a call for evacuation of casualties incurred in an on-going firefight between elements of the United States Army's 1st Infantry Division and a sizable enemy force approximately 35 miles east of Saigon. With complete disregard for personal safety, Airman Pitsenbarger volunteered to ride a hoist more than one hundred feet through the jungle, to the ground.

On the ground, he organized and coordinated rescue efforts, cared for the wounded, prepared casualties for evacuation, and insured that the recovery operation continued in a smooth and orderly fashion. Through his personal efforts, the evacuation of the wounded was greatly expedited. As each of the nine casualties evacuated that day were recovered, Pitsenbarger refused evacuation in order to get one more wounded soldier to safety.

After several pick-ups, one of the two rescue helicopters involved in the evacuation was struck by heavy enemy ground fire and was forced to leave the scene for an emergency landing. Airman Pitsenbarger stayed behind, on the ground, to perform medical duties. Shortly thereafter, the area came under sniper and mortar fire. During a subsequent attempt to evacuate the site, American forces came under heavy assault by a large Viet Cong force.

When the enemy launched the assault, the evacuation was called off and Airman Pitsenbarger took up arms with the besieged infantrymen. He courageously resisted the enemy, braving intense gunfire to gather and distribute vital ammunition to American defenders. As the battle raged on, he repeatedly exposed himself to enemy fire to care for the wounded, pull them out of the line of fire, and return fire whenever he could, during which time, he was wounded three times.

Despite his wounds, he valiantly fought on, simultaneously treating as many wounded as possible. In the vicious fighting which followed, the American forces suffered 80 percent casualties as their perimeter was breached, and airman Pitsenbarger was finally fatally wounded. Airman Pitsenbarger exposed himself to almost certain death by staying on the ground, and perished while saving the lives of wounded infantrymen. His bravery and determination exemplify the highest professional standards and traditions of military service and reflect great credit upon himself, his unit, and the United States Air Force.

Group Therapy

Frankly, I held little hope that the soldiers that were kidnapped last Friday would be found alive; too many kidnapping victims have been murdered to hold out any hope for that, but my heart is breaking for the soldiers families.

In spite of the political turmoil, there is still rousing support for our troops. That is what was sorely lacking during the Vietnam conflict. I am no fan of the 60s or 70s. To me it is a bitter pill. The memory of people shouting hatred at our troops. It was a sad day in the life of the United States.

I suppose that I should fess up to being duped by my President and the "intelligence" used to launch this war...Against the wishes of many countries. Nevertheless, Saddam Hussein has committed horrific crimes against his countrymen. I still believe that the people of Iraq will be better off living a life without a tyrant as the leader of their country.

I do not know if this war was necessary. Perhaps that will never be known, but I do believe that we took down a heathen. How many times do we sit idle as people are murdered? How often does it happen in our big cities?

When Katrina all but wiped New Orleans from the face of our country, it became evident that we are not prepared to take care of our own. God knows that homelessness and hunger are problems here-in our neighborhoods. Your next door neighbor could be going to bed hungry tonight.

Yet, we keep our gaze directed to Darfur and the problems in the Middle East. We know that tyranny is not only unjust, but inhuman. Perhaps the greatest lesson that we could have learned after 9/11 was that we are not prepared. We aren't.

Before we help anyone else, we need to help ourselves. As long as hunger, homelessness, disease and desperation take lives in the United States, we are just as guilty as the leadership that inflicts these things on their own people.

Our government doesn't take our homes and crops from us; nor does our government steal our riches or assassinate us on the streets, but we are killing each other and causing each other to suffer. We the residents of the richest country in the world. We have so much. Yet people suffer here just like in poorer countries.

Perhaps we need to turn our gaze inward. Maybe it is time to concentrate on the little wars that erupt every night in our major cities. We need to hold a huge therapy session for our government-help them recognize that we need to help ourselves before we can truly help anyone else. Self-nurturing isn't selfishness, it is necessary.

Full circle

On a very dark day in September of 2005, I kicked 18-year-old out of our home. Last week he called me and wanted to know if he could come home. He moved in yesterday.

My heart is singing. I have so much to say, but we are busy with the last day of school. He left a moody, angry and deceitful boy and he walked in the door like a man. Amazing transformation-like a butterfly emerging from the chrysalis.

Little Women

Little Women is one of my favorite novels. Four daughters pining away for their father while he is at war...I have often thought that the story mimicked our lives. Well with the one exception: we had three girls and one boy.

Little Sis was Beth, Big Sis was Meg and I was Jo. That is what we all believed.

During the Vietnam conflict, we waited for our Daddy to come home. We made him audio tapes. I remember that I "played" my nose-stop laughing. It is a talent, is it not?

I think that Dad was gone many more years than he was home. Deployed here. Deployed there. Destinations unknown.

We were lucky: our Daddy returned in one piece from every deployment. Yes, it is not lost on my how lucky we are. The family of Colonel Skinner wasn't as fortunate and I remember watching the sedans drive up and the stoic looks on the faces of the men who seemed to march to my best friend's door. That knock and hundreds of thousands like it have rung out in towns and cities and bergs across this great country. Indeed that knock has been heard around the world too many times.

I understand the sacrifices of our military because we lived the military life. I have a brother in law in the service and 19 year old is still considering signing up. He has friends in Iraq right now. These men and women have our backs.

There are little women all over the world who are hoping that their daddies come home safely to them. Today I honor the lives of those lost, but not forgotten. Today, I remember the bravery that our soldiers display even in the face of certain risk and possible death.

Today I also pray for peace. I wish that there were more leaders who wanted to hear silence rather than gunfire. As long as tyranny, terrorists and threats exist, we will have war. Today, I pray that not one single future infamous leader is born. Even if only for today, I pray that this day will not shine on the face of a baby destined to become a heathen.

I must also remember our fallen police officers, agents and marshals; as well as our fallen fire fighters. Their risk is as great, but on our own streets. God bless the men and women who live their lives to make me and my family safe all over the world.

God bless America and democracy. God bless freedom. God bless the families who have lost so much that we can live our lives unafraid. God have mercy on our troops.

The golden hour

Robert Frost has been quoted in this blog many a time. I found the inspiration to write when I was in elementary school because I loved his work.

The Golden Hour is a medical reference among its many definitions. In essence, there is an hour in which to save very, very sick trauma patient.

A 'golden hour' of hope. A golden opportunity to make a difference in the life of someone who met with extraordinary circumstances. Or rather and simply at the wrong place at the wrong time.

Tonight I watched Baghdad ER. On the verge of tears throughout, I have to ask myself if my little sis is right when she asks me, "Why do you surround yourself with suffering?"

I found that question incredibly thought provoking. It didn't take long for me to recognize the pattern that she is referring to and then I asked myself another question: Do I surround myself with suffering so that I will not have to think about or more importantly "relive" so that I can purge the suffering from my own life?

As long as I can remember, I have volunteered to help, but was my volunteering a means in which I was able to immerse myself in someone else's pain and thus ignore my own. I am very open about the monsters in my past. I have had years and years of therapy. Each time that I think that I have reached the point where I can live my life without PTSD making an appearance, it finds a time and place to rear its head. Usually I can lengthen the time between memories by focusing on other's suffering.

So, am I really helping others, or am I really running from myself? That isn't the correct question either, the real one is much more thought provoking: Am I ready to look the monsters in the face once and for all? Have I finally arrived at a point where I realize that I cannot exercise the monsters from my life, but I can live with it now. It is okay that I was hurt, but no one is harming now. It's okay to laugh and be happy.

I used to think that my "happy self" was a lie. Most of my life, I "acted" like people wanted me to be. Happy, engaging, entertaining. Most of my life was based on this "lie." I was always laughing and smiling. In the privacy of my own room, I wrote sad poems of rejection and loss.

Recently, I noticed that my "happy self" isn't a lie; it was a defense mechanism and a survival skill for a long time. But now when I am surrounded by people that I love and who love me, it is okay to be happy-inside and out. Recently I realized that I can be happy.

So Robert Frost is actually wrong in this poem: "...so leaf subsides to leaf; so Eden sank to grief; so dawn goes down to day. Nothing gold can stay." It isn't true. A rainbow is not always seen, but the promise is always there. If you give yourself permission, the gold in life can envelope you like a hug from God.

Perhaps now for the first time in my life, I realize that I can be happy and live with the past because no one is harming me now. I don't have to be sad and feel the loss anymore. It's over. I can be lifted up on the shoulders of my family and friends and be happy. I know that this feeling is not new to my blog, but maybe each time that I get here, I get closer to really living life. And for that reason, I feel like standing on the Grand Teton and shouting for joy.

DANCE!!!

Judson Laipply is dancing in the video on the righthand border. Click the play button and enjoy six minutes of great memories:)

ENJOY. LOL.
Renee

Mutha's Day

I do not like swearing. Not in the least, but I could not think of a better title for this.

Last night, a 27-year old mother was arrested for leaving her two-year old daughter in a minivan while the "mutha" drank in a tavern. The minivan was left running and the heater was on high. The little precious girl had a winter coat on and was bawling her eyes out.

A man who arrived at the bar at 12:30 went inside and asked everyone in there if it was their van. He found the "woman" and she went outside-stumbling all the way-and then tried to leave the scene.

The man and his fiance blocked the woman from exiting and the man removed the little girl from the van so that the woman wouldn't leave. When police officers arrived, they promptly arrested the woman. The baby girl was placed with her biological father.

Earlier this week, a woman was convicted of killing her 18 month old baby. She tossed the baby into a bathtub. That isn't exactly true. She THREW the baby into the faucet. There was a brain hemorrhage and the baby never awoke from a nap.

In this world there are mothers and there are "muthas." Thank God I was blessed with a mother and my daughter is so compassionate, that I know she will be a wonderful mother. I think mothers should be allowed to punish "muthas." Why?

The mother who left her baby in the car while she partied in a tavern was charged with a misdemeanors. The woman who threw her baby into the faucet was given single digit years in prison. Yes, mothers should be able to punish "muthas."

Potential parents who find that they are unable to conceive should also be able to punish "muthas." Yes, this would be real justice.

This and that...Again...

We had snow flurries for Mother's Day. No, I am not kidding. They melted as soon as they hit anything, but there were little bits of snow and freezing rain.

I love Calla lilies. They were my wedding flower. Ivory roses and white calla lilies. These yellow ones are wonderful.

When you watch My Great Big Fat Greek Wedding, there is a scene in her hubby's parents' dining room and there is a black and white photo of a calla Lilly. It is beautiful.

I am keeping busy and continue to search for another gig. There isn't much available right now. I never thought about it, but a lot of jobs are taken because students are home on break from college. And of course high school students are off, too.
That's fine with me. I wouldn't mind having the summer with my children. Troy will be in four-year-old preschool next year and will go three days per week instead of twice. Then it is on to all day kindergarten.

I think it is good that K-5 is all day now. I would have loved being able to go to school all day. Even though it was only half a day when I was in kindergarten, we still had to have a nap period at school. I HATED that. I could never fall asleep.

I make up for that now. Sleep deprivation when the kids were infants is still taking its toll on me. I say that only partly in jest. I think that G will never be caught up on his sleep. He made the Dean's list again and the Who's Who in American Colleges. Already degreed, he is very close to his second degree. What a great accomplishment. He works so hard. I don't think that I tell him how proud of him I am often enough. I am. I am in awe of his resolve and dedication. I wish that I had half of his drive when it comes to school.

Kids are sleeping and I have chores to do. Come back again, soon. Renee

Musing

Tom Cruise was on Ellen today. It made me think of Rosie and her huge crush on him. I adored Katie Holmes. I am still rather stunned that she and Cruise are together, but when true happiness finds your heart, you have to be smart enough to take hold of it.

Happy Mother's Day.

I left

Well, I resigned. Who needs all of that stress? I feel better.

My kids and I are battling sinus infections and poor Little Big Boy has a double ear infection to boot.

I'm waiting for the next opportunity....

Vulnerability

Will I lose my job? Me thinks it is in the wind. I just cannot complete my work in one business day. It's really sad because I do like the job itself.

Someone from my past, a sith, if you will discovered me and emailed me. I do not know how he found me, but suspect that he googled my father's name and found me that way. I changed a recent post and my blog address so that he couldn't find me again.

He is a relative. The son of a monster. The apple did not fall far from the tree. There really were monsters under my bed. I know that I am not alone in that, but the shock of his finding me made me feel little and vulnerable again.

I am safe. It is 2006 and I am safe and I am not a little girl.

I wonder if I will ever move to a place in my heart, mind and body when I can accept my past and live in the present. I don't have the answer. I know that I am not unique. I know that it is prevalent. Perhaps that is the greatest irony of all: maybe people get tired of hearing about childhood abuse of any kind.

Although there is a lot of baggage on my plate this weekend, I am not drowning in despair. I am looking forward to relaxing with my family this weekend. Monday will bring what Monday will bring.

Ten

...years since we said I will or I do, or whatever we said. LOL. I have so much to say, but no time to post. I'm still trying to prove myself on the job. I just wanted to pop in and thank you for checking in on me.

one year ago, I launched this blog and I posted every day...now I wish I could post once per week. :) Miss you....hugs, Renee

Fascinating

This horse is crafted from driftwood. Y ou would be amazed by the beautiful sculptures that the artist does-and not just horses, but mostly horses. My little sister sent me about one dozen pictures of her work and her website-the artist's, not my sister's:)

http://www.jansch.freeserve.co.uk/index.htm

Visit her site. It is more amazing than anything that I can describe.

I have been working many, many hours. It is not going well, so silence reigns. I hate silence, but just realized that there are times when I wrap myself in it for comfort.

Originally, I was signed on for part time work. It has been increased to full time. My supervisor wants EVERYTHING and I mean every slip of paper and duty completed by the end of the work day. It is almost impossible to finish everything in one day.

She trained me for two days and then went back to her office and has come down a day here and there to train me more, but she doesn't understand why I am not "getting it". It's hard to understand something that you have not really been prepared for.

I am no dummy and have always been a high producer, but this gig is hard to grasp. There are many new things to learn. I am about ready to give up and that is not like me. I am in a quandary. I am sad, too. No one likes to be a loser. That is how I feel...Ignorant. My supervisor is so frustrated. I told her from the beginning that I am visual and "hands on." That is how I learn best. She doesn't understand why it isn't staying with me when she makes me watch her do something.

Today, like every weekend for a month, I went to the office on my own time to try to get a handle on things. I printed out this online training manual and have been reading it, but she so much as told me that this coming week is my last to make it work. She said, "I really want this to work, but I have concerns."

I have to admit that I am feeling like it would be better to just leave. It has in many ways been a nightmare. Yet, it did get me back out into the world again. I leave my home each morning and go to work. I have left our home more in the past two months than I left home all of last year. I was virtually a shut in...So it has been a good thing, but I wish it was going better.

I did see an advertisement for a great job, though. So off I send my updated resume; time to see what is in store for the next leg...

Blessed Easter to you.

"The known soldier"

Thank you Staff Sergeant Dwight Morgan.

Marine Staff Sgt. Dwight J. Morgan 24, of Mendocino, California.

Morgan died when a Marine CH-53E crashed in a remote region

60 kilometers south of Bagram in Northern Afghanistan.

He was assigned to Marine Heavy Helicopter Squadron 361 (HMH-361),

the "Flying Tigers" of Marine Aircraft Group 16, Combined Task Force 58,

3rd Marine Aircraft Wing,

Marine Corps Air Station, Miramar, California. Died on January 19, 2002.

Thank you Colonel Skinner-Died on helicopter as it lifted him out of Vietnam for his return to his family. His tour in the war zone was over. Then God called him for a tour in Heaven.

Thank you Captain, Ret., dad

Vietnam Veteran

Career Marine.

Thank you to my brother in law, an Air Force drill sergeant,

two cousins, home safe from Iraq and three friends currently deployed.

I am a military brat and proud of it.

God bless our Armed Forces around the world and at home.

Don't Tread on Me.

Land of dreams...

"give me your tired; your poor, your huddled masses." The Statue of Liberty sits in New York harbor greeting people from around the world. I do not understand the immigration mess. I do not understand even when I consider the events of September 11th.

This is a crazy world. A dangerous world, but if we lose our compassion for others, then we have lost the meaning of the American Dream.

Immigrants have come from every corner of the world to seek a better life for themselves and their families. I know that all of us would find the date when our ancestors immigrated if we looked up our family trees.

In every culture there are people who need help. There are poor every where. In fact, you probably know someone who goes to sleep hungry each night. There is so much discrimination in the world. Even in the year 2006. I am so sad about that.

I think we need to admit that we have a lot of work to do in race relations, poverty and hunger. We need to work on it every day and begin the job at home-with our children.

Thankfully immigrants came to this country in the first place. I can only hope that we will welcome people home again. The American Dream is dying a painful death...not only for those who are trying to make it here, but for those of us who have lived here for generations. Fear or apathy will only breed harm.

You know someone who is hungry. You know someone who wants for a necessity. These people live that every day. It's time to open our arms and minds again...

As Tears Go By
Rolling Stones
Marianne Faithfull

It is the evening of the day,
I sit and watch the children play.
Smiling faces I can see
But not for me,
I sit and watch as tears go by.
My riches can't buy everything,
I want to hear the children sing.
All I hear is the sound
Of rain falling on the ground,
I sit and watch as tears go by.
It is the evening of the day,
I sit and watch the children play.
Doing things I used to do
They think are new,
I sit and watch as tears go by.
Hmm, hmm, hmm, hmm, hmm, hmm, hmm, hmm, hmm
Hmm, hmm, hmm, hmm, hmm, hmm, hmm, hmm, hmm
Hmm, hmm, hmm, hmm, hmm, hmm, hmm, hmm ...

I find this song soothing...as heart breaking as it is; it makes me ponder things. How to make it better for children...how to spare children....that is what my life is really about. Rather that is what I want my life to be about. I used celebrity drops in this song to ask our listeners to call in and/or drop by our radio-athon. We raised money for the Variety Club. It was a perfect song to get people to open their wallets...I love children.

As an aside, I love Jon Edwards new show on WE (Women's Entertainment). Jon Edwards Cross Country. Amazing to have that talent. Amazing.

Goodbye, Mommy

She couldn't have been more than four years old. Her little face against the cold window. She stared out into the night watching the cars leave the parking lot. Tears streamed down her face and her sobs were oddly controlled for one so young. She waved to each car because she wasn't sure which one was theirs. "Good bye, Mommy," she cried, "I love you. Good bye, Mommy."

A couple feet away, her mother stood. The little girl had wandered off and the mother was teaching her a lesson. A young sales associate-obviously of high school age was moved by the little girl's tears. She wanted to walk over to the little girl and scoop her up and tell her that her mommy was here. But the little girl's mommy waved the teenager off. No one was allowed to rescue the little girl. The mommy didn't let anyone rescue her.

The mother should have been rescued herself. If someone had rescued that mommy, she might not have stood there inflicting pain on her little girl.

I see it as if it is happening right now. Post Traumatic Stress Disorder is like that. One step up and two steps back. Today, I realized that the many monsters in my life included the people that I expected to protect me. The need for me to protect my children is so strong and unwavering. I do not understand how someone could stand by while their child cried for any reason.

Tonight I am standing in that window watching all of the cars drive away and I think that I will never be home again. In a way, it might have been an easier life.

I keep accepting things, but then a new dam bursts and visions visit relentlessly. I wonder how many more nightmares I have to relive?

"I'm the Special Day boy!"

Rise and shine and give God your glory, glory... That was how today felt. Little Big Boy is one step closer to becoming a Big Boy. Today he turned four. He jumped out of bed and said, "Today is my birthday! I'm the Special Day Boy!" "Mom, I'm four," he said excitedly as he showed me four fingers.

"Why are you so special today," I asked to which he stated matter of factually, "Because Jesus made me special."

Four? Um hmm.

18 year old turned 19 on the 14th. You see March is the big birthday month in my side of the family: My brother: March 12th; 19 yr. old: March 14th-though I went into labor at 5:30 a.m. on the 12th and finally the dr. took him by C-section; March 15th my niece; March 28: Little Big Boy and March 31st my God son.

Today Little Big Boy got a Power Rangers SPD bike. He was so grateful for each gift. Even a water bottle that 19 year old gave him; it's one of the promotional kind that Play it Again Sports gives away...19 yr. old works there now.

We had the birthday party at a place called Pizza Safari; it is a tamer (pun intended) version of Chuck E. Cheese's, which I swore off when 19 year old wasn't...;)

It was a great party. My baby is four. Sigh. It goes so fast. I can't wait to get outside in the spring air and ride bikes. Oh my life is grand.

Story board...

Visit Heidi's Pieces of Me for a fun challenge....:) http://4youmyworld.blogspot.com/ It will be interesting to see where this goes...